Her: Hey, just heard what John did to you.

Me: Yea. I can't believe he screwed me over like that. I thought he was my friend.

Her: Don't worry. Forget about the bustard. You know #FFF

Me: 🙁 #FFF? What does white got to do with all this.

Her: What???

Me: #FFF. This is white.

Her: Nooooo. It means Fuck Fake Friends. As in the G. Eazy song.

Me: Ohhh😐

yea, basically me learning right now.

Yea google, your machine learning is doing great. Good job!

Random Guy: So you wrote all this in Java?
Me: JavaScript
Random Guy: Yea. What i said. It's the same!
Me: *triggered*

friend: Hey you program right?
me: yea sure.
friend: What kind of phone should I get?
me: ....

My non techie girlfriend :) <3
-----------

She: Hey I am getting a new phone!

Me: which one?

She: Apple I phone

Me: oh cool!

She: yea I am really excited. I can't wait to have more space on my phone. I can't have anything on my current phone.

Me: yup.

She: new phone will have a lot of storage space. Its going to be 64MB. Imagine all the things I can do with it now.

Me: Hey, the 90's called, they want their storage sizes back.

*hilarious laughter ensues*

Dat iPhone crowd doe. Android 4 life.

@dfox thank you for sponsoring our event with goodies. I think devrant gained a few Dutchies tonight. Ive also made sure @linuxxx could grab some (yea try to spot him on the picture!).

Sales Guy: Hey Man, you know what? you should go back to college and advance your knowledge in Software Engineering. This way you will be an expert in programming and handling the Servers.
Me: I started programming at the age of 17 and started handling servers by the age of 18. Can I ask you something if you don't mind?
Sale Guy: Yea sure I don't mind anything
Me: Get the fuck out of here

Person: Yea, I used to program
Me: Oh nice, what language?
Person: CCS
Me: 😂 *holding it in*

Ou yea sure, hold my beer

Coding essentially is an infinite loop of:
1) wtf
2) ah yea

Add sprinkles of "that should be easy" and "why did i agree on this"

Once a customer wanted to pay our invoice cash in a meeting. Then he came up with 14995€. As we asked where the 5€ are he could not remember immediately, but then he yelled: OH YEA I GOT HUNGRY ON THE WAY TO YOU.

*my lil cousin approaching
"So, are you a programmer?"
"Well, yea"
"Can you teach me how to hack facebook?"
"Sorry, but i cant hack facebook"
"You sucks"
:<

Never worked for this guy, just saw it someone else's feed and thought it would be appropriate here. This is not leadership. This is bullying and stomping on people in a vulnerable situation which most likely has very little to do with their work ethic and more to do with company health. Yea, definitely elevate yourself and be that A+ person for you. Not for assholes like this. A good leader would empathize and provide resources for advancement and transformation to roles that are more aligned to the current environment.

Me to HR lad: So yea I need you to process my resignation

HR lad to me (*silently whispering on phone*): I’ve resigned too. Good luck.

School holidays be like:

"Yea! I finally have time to do projects that I like!"

When school starts again:

"How dafuq did I manage to do absolutely nothing in the past month?!?!"

My lead keeps pushing commits to master. His commit messages vary from: no message, yeah, and yup.
and yea, some of the build break master.
Makes me just wanna die sometimes when digging through our commit history to figure out when a bug was introduced.

I accidentally opened my website with IE...

Yea, never doing that again

Friend: You make games right?

Me: Yea I try to atleast, why?

Friend: I have this cool idea for an MMORPG with fantasy elements and dragons and stuff!

Me: Well thats a lot of work, just setting up serv-

Friend: We can have a bunch of cool stuff like Sandbox stuff, Guild battles and 100v100 pvp

Me: As I was trying to say, it would requi-

Friend: OH We need space for atleast 10 thousand people on each server!

Me: ... Good luck buddy!

I get depressed during times like this.

Me: *does a keyboard shortcut*
Friend: Woaw, are you good on computers?
Me: yea.
Friend: CAN YOU HACK?
Me: yea...
Friend: WHATS MY PASSWORD?
Me: I don't know your password.
Friend: You can't hack then.

I'm still remembering that one time a friend of mine asked me to pass him the WiFi-cable.

I know, that sounds like a cliche, but it's getting better...

We are both information and communication engineering students...

I told him to think about what he just said and after some seconds of thinking he responded with "Oh yea, I forgot that my laptop doesn't have a WiFi Jack..."

He's passing most exams with distinction btw...

"Pythonists don't comment, they write readable code."

Yea, tell that to the list comprehension with three lambdas

Translating things:
ME: "Hey dev, can you send me a xml file of strings to translate so you can impleme..."
DEV: "yea yea tomorrow"

He sent a .docx file.

i'm crying

one of our computers at work suddenly shut down. our boss panicked like it was the end of the world cause he knew we couldnt buy a new one and we desperately need the computer. when i came in he started telling me he's gonna pay me extra if i fix the computer

me: *checks cpu and finds out it was unplugged* u sure bout that?
him: hell yea, id rather pay u that buy a new one

*30 mins later*

me: *plugs it back in and pushes power button* its done

>> guess who's got extra money without any extra efforts yay

Fuck yea!
My employer just approved, that I can use my own opensource project, at the company project.

Me: So you know how to program in Java right?

Poser: yea.

Me: can you show me some of your work?

Poser: console.log("Hello, World!")

Me: get out.

oh yea

Them: "Could you send the password in an encrypted mail?"
Me: "Yea sure, what's your GPG public key?"
Them: "What's that? Can't you just encrypt it?"
Me: "Nvm, do you have Signal?"

Client: My email not working
Me: What error message you getting
Client: Nothing, it's just stuck on Outbook
Me: Is your Internet working?
Client: Yes, of cause am not that stupid
Me: No! No! just asking as checkup
Client: Okay
Me: Open your Internet Browser and goto Google or Facebook
Client: Okay hold on..I am getting message "There is no Internet Connection"
Me: Yea, your Internet is not working that's why email can't be send. Talk to your IT Guy or Internet Provider about it.
Client: Okay, thanks!

Multiple friens asked if I could help someone with her "laptop".

Me: so I hear that you have problems with your laptop?
She: oh yea let me get my laptop.
A minute later she comes back with an iPad mini.
She: I cant get this app to work!

How can they all call that a laptop! *facepalm*

"How can you sit around all day solving problems, without going mad?"

Yea right .. Without going mad :')

aww, cute little function, I will teach you a few more little features!

Recruiter: "Ashleigh, I have a client that has asked me to reach out to you. They use really modern tech"
Me: "Oh Yea? What like?"
Recuriter: "es2015 and symfony 2"
Me: "fuck off"

Teacher: Computer settings are stored in the ROM on the motherboard.
Me: *internally* Uhm, yea, sure... and I am the pope
Me: Sorry to interrupt you but how come the BIOS settings get reset when the CMOS battery is pulled out or dies if they are stored in ROM?
Teacher: ....
Me: *internally* yea, that's what I thought, you have no clue what you are even saying - the BIOS is stored in ROM or flash memory while the settings are stored in NVRAM also called CMOS memory...

"So we have 20GB of data, we need to show ALL of it on the graph ... oh yea it needs to work on mobile"

Yea so I was creating registration form and I did this:

...

if ($pass != $passrepeat or
$passrepeat != $pass) {
# MAGIC
}

...

I think I should quit being a programmer..

40gb, Hell yea!

::python coding::

Friend: "so I have to press tab when I want to code inside a function, right?"

Me (Busy): "yea yea, whenever you enter a new scope. Indentation is important in python..."

Friend: "what's a scope?"

#$ cowsay "dafaq"

Me: "bruh, what you doin in Computer Engineering?"

Boss: Hey, remember that app you made that was supposed to be purely for demonstration purposes?

Me: The one that we hard coded to get done in a week? Yea, why?

Boss: Here are some changes we need done for the next meeting.

Me:...

Have you seen that movie Up? The one with the dog that's easily distracted? Yea I'm that dog.

I'll work for about 15-20 or until I fix something the way iike it, and then I end up getting distracted for another 5-10 minutes.

Person- Hey! are you a game developer?

me- yea.

person- Nice! so, you make games, right?

me- NO! I fuckin' scroll through my Twitter feed!

person- Ahm hah.. ok then, ttyl.

me- T.T

I'm not even that old and I've had it with young cocksure, full of them self language/environment evangelists.

- "C# is always better than Java, don't bother learning it"

- "Lol python is all you need"

- "Omg windows/linux/mac sucks use this instead"

The list goes on really, at some point you have got to realize that while specialization is great, you have to learn a little bit of everything. It broadens you horizon a lot.

Yea, C# does some nifty stuff, but Java does too, learn both. Yea I'm sure Linux is better for hosting docker containers, but your clients are on mac or windows, learn to at least navigate and operate all three etc. Embrace knowledge from all the different tech camps it can only do you good and you will be so much more flexible and employable than your close minded peers :)

Hell even PHP has a lot to teach us (Even more than just to be a bad example, har har)

Just met my old friend a few minutes ago and he asked me, "what work you do?"

Me > Well you already know, I'm a developer.

He > Oh, so you make mobile apps and websites?

Me > Well kinda yea but I work on websites mostly, will build my mobile app later someday.

He > Yea, you have something called web2,web3 and RSS FEED and you know anyone can do coding and developer stuff, only hard thing is to get a good idea.
(that was exactly his sentence)

Me > ......................... (in my head)

I'm starting to fucking hate the word 'done'.

Scenario 1:

Boss: How's the spec coming along?
Manager: Oh, it's done.

Manager to me: Hey can you get it done?
Me: Why would you call it done? There's a days worth of work and it's only half done. Boss wasn't even rushing it yet.

Manager: Too late I've already committed it. I'm sure it's simple anyway. Just do it.

Scenario 2:

Manager: Hey is it done?
Noob dev: Yea it's done.

*Commits half assed incomplete sphagetti shit that breaks stuff*

Manager: Well done. Completed so quickly.

FUCK THIS SHIT.

"So, what do you do in life?"

Me : I work on enterprise level mobile, web and server applications. Basically programming and database stuff...

"Sweet! So you can fix my PC right? It's getting slow I don't know why..."

Me : mmm well, ugh... yea kinda, I guess... sure. I could take a look 😑

Hmmmmm... How exactly??

I am working on a project with a retard.
I am supposed to focus on the mobile apps but the backend guy doesn't know shit about REST.I spend more time teaching him how to serialize data into JSON and telling him not to store passwords as plaintext(He's now using md5 despite me telling him to use bcrypt) than developing the mobile apps am supposed to.
Guess who will be blamed for missing the deadline?
Yea, it's me.
Guess who will get the credits for the backend i am developing?
Yea, it's him.
Fuck!

"We want a perfect PHP dev"

... yea, and he will produce shitcode like

switch(true) {
case 1 < 2:
...
case $a == $b:
...
}

no thx

🇬🇧/🇺🇸: email
🇩🇪 (Telemediengesetz): "ADRESSE DER ELEKTRONISCHEN POST!" ("address of electronic postal service")

Yea, I fucking love my first language.

Yea... so you know all those rants/jokes about how you need to explain programming to ur friends and family?

I just realized I don't have that problem.... all of them are programmers as well :)

Job BS that made me consider quitting? If you find my previous rants, you find a lot of BS.

Here is one (attached is the actual email sent to me.)

TL;DR. The biggest BS part is the fact that I *got approval* from my boss to work on the migration and we already 'owned' specific project and no one else was working on it.

After I got the email (my boss sits right next to me)
Me: "Whoa..what's this!? Two weeks ago you gave me the green light to work on it."
C: "Oh yea...I forgot. Sorry."
<yes, the BS flags thrown all all over the place>
Me: "I'll schedule a meeting with everybody and straighten this out."
C: "That's a good idea, but I'll take care of it."
<10 min. later>
C: "Sorry, J said his word was final. You are not supposed to work on the project."
Me: "I never said I wanted to work on the project, it's already finished and with your approval. That's what I want straightened out."
C: "Yea..yea...I know, but J said to roll back your changes. I tried everything I could to change his mind."
Me: "I don't want his mind...never mind...I'll go talk to the boss if J won't listen"
C: "About that..um...the directive came directly from the boss. It's probably best you roll back the changes and forget this happened."

I knew then the well was already poisoned, so anything I said could be grounds for dismissal (the boss had an itchy 'firing' finger)

Time and karma took care of most of the rage. Not really a month later my boss was demoted back to developer and working on dead-end projects (porting data for reports).

Manager: I want the front ends to be more dumb, too much logic is happening on the frontend.

Me: both of the sites are just multi step forms, I’m confused about the complexity part.

Manager: yea but don’t we have a bunch of third party api calls?

Me: we have 4 and they are public facing apis.

Manager: yea, make a new api and move this api calls to the backend and I want both frontend teams to send the same shape payload.

Me: but…

Manager: oh and I don’t like how the business team does the a/b testing and splitting traffic, let’s move that to the backend as well.

Me: but… that a/b testing platform they use in ran by another team and they have a full set of features for business analytics…

Manager: yea let’s just replicate those features and move them to the backend.

Me: but it’s a product!

Manager: look! You are the best backend engineer we got! I know you can do this!

Me: I lead the frontend teams…

Manager: ….

Manger: good news we are giving you a promotion with raise you are now a senior engineer.

Me: I confused but happy… I think..

Fuck yea, got a raise bigger than expected! Not a lot more, but it atill feels good man

Yea #deletefacebook is fine and all but what about putting fucking Like-Buttons all over the goddamn web. Care about that, would ya?!? You're not any bit better than zuckerfuck if you are doing this on your site!

Yea, this happend

Yea about that

Me: purchases Amazon Fire stick TV

Amazon: thank you for your purchase, we recommend buying a Fire stick TV Lite.

Me: so, you want me to buy the cheaper model of the item I just bought?

Amazon: hell yea, it'll go nicely with your current Fire Stick TV and offer even less functionality,

Um.. yea I've published a GDPR contact email on our website, for issues about our privacy policy. Not sure if you Chinese marketing fucks behind the GFW know what this regulation is about though. I'm not interested in your stupid moulds.
Perhaps that firewall of China could use some further tightening... 😒

So my colleague today was writing some javascript to multiple numbers, and he was getting very frustrated after a while trying to debug the code. the problem was he wrote the following:

AxB

but what he actually meant is

A*B

So yea @_@ ...

Co-worker: "I made the UI for feature X you asked me for"

Me: "Oh great tha... Why is it on the same screen as feature Y? Those features are unrelated?"

Co-worker: "Yea it was too much effort to create a new screen."

Me: "...?!?"

Arch linux with linux linux, brought to you by linus linux

Yea, that's seems about right.When the user gives incorrect password,throw an Internal Server Error.
Great API design!

Parents call me dumb but this is what happens when they don't understand probabilities and contrarianism....

There are 3, express trains (let's call A, B, C) in the morning 5 minutes apart.

After which the next one in 20 mins...

My parents can't be bothered to get up 10 minutes earlier and aim for A.

Today C got cancelled.

And here's the result... ORZ

And I'm late to work... With more stress than need....

So yea... I don't think I'm dumb, quite frankly I think I'm smarter than them and a lot of ppl...

Fucking Edge. I fixed a "bug" and now the bug-pointer tells me a line with only a comment causes a problem. Yea. Genius browser.

It's an "UNKNOWN" error btw, great debugging!

Most ridiculous meeting I've been in? Sooo many. Here is the first.

Mandatory box knife safety meeting. Why? We worked in the same building as the warehouse, and the safety manager made it mandatory everyone in the building be trained.

We walk into the meeting...
Trainer: "What are you guys doing here? You're developers."
Bob: "Adam said this meeting is mandatory for everyone."
Trainer: "Yea, but not you guys. You'll never touch a box knife. Just a sec, let me run out and find Adam."
<2 minutes later>
Trainer: "Sorry guys, Adam is not budging. He said everyone and that includes developers."

#devRant
*read a rant which you were not in favor of*
*open comments*
*There would be one fella who had already written your head*
*Upvoted the comment*
*Kept reading other rants*

Ever did that?

*me teaching someone to code*

Me: So what do you think will happen when we run this?
Student: ummm... I don...🤔
Random: I KNOW! It does xyz 😄
Student: agh yea, it does xyz 😅
Me: (ffs) 😐

Nothing gets learned in the end 😮

So the CEO called me down about a super urgent bug that needs to be fixed or we will loose several hundred thousand pounds of business.

I rush down to his office and there he has a graph "look the values are barely moving i would expect the values to be more erratic this time of day"

*i look at the graph*

"Errrr your looking at 02:00 in the morning, it's 14:00"

Boss: ahh good spot *looks at 14:00* yea that looks good, great job.

Just dragged a button in the UI to fix a bug.
Hell yea, now I'll write about my Objective C skills in my CV...

Team member just requested a code review in French (s'il vous plaît)

Yea, I'm not reviewing your code you pretentious prick

The 2018 bucket list!

I sort of swear to be a good coder, to take honour and dignity in all the lines I write, I will not take shortcuts, I will obtain a +80% test coverage across my projects, write clean and accurate documentation, and ultimately I will write less bugs!

Yea..., probably not but worth a try anyway!!

My friends trynna bullshit how windows is much better than Linux. They sayin shit like "at least our csgo don crash when we alt tab" then I say "at least I don't have to reboot when something go wrong" and they be like "yea but windows better" 😡

Ugh I'm getting so owned. Currently having a burst DDOS on a host of ours. It is always at xx:00 and xx:30 for ~2 minutes from ~200++ unique AWS instances (Ip's).

Not long enough to ban them (max 2-3 requests per IP), not general enough to ban them on the type of request.. and the IP's.. yea... It would result banning all the amazon subnets which is also not an option lol.

Now waiting I guess.. I sent an email to amazon

Wasn't so much a question but...

Before WFH got so popular, I was interviewing at a place 50km from home, loyalty and stuff came up and the guy said something along the lines of "The only potential problem I can see is the distance. Now I get the sense you're quite a loyal person blah blah blah"

Half way into my third month they decided not to keep me after probation, after giving no negative feedback at any point prior to that then "we just need someone mors senior"

So yea, tune me about loyalty and then do that....

Also, if they needed senior why were they advirtising junior?

<just got out of this meeting>
Mgr: “Can we log the messages coming from the services?”
Me: “Absolutely, but it could be a lot of network traffic and create a lot of noise. I’m not sure if our current logging infrastructure is the right fit for this.”
Senior Dev: “We could use Log4Net. That will take care of the logging.”
Mgr: “Log4Net?…Yea…I’ve heard of it…Great, make it happen.”
Me: “Um…Log4Net is just the client library, I’m talking about the back-end, where the data is logged. For this issue, we want to make sure the data we’re logging is as concise as possible. We don’t want to cause a bottleneck inside the service logging informational messages.”
Mgr: “Oh, no, absolutely not, but I don’t know the right answer, which is why I’ll let you two figure it out.”
Senior Dev: “Log4Net will take care of any threading issues we have with logging. It’ll work.”
Me: “Um..I’m sure…but we need to figure out what we need to log before we decide how we’re logging it.”
Senior Dev: “Yea, but if we log to SQL database, it will scale just fine.”
Mgr: “A SQL database? For logging? That seems excessive.”
Senior Dev: “No, not really. Log4Net takes care of all the details.”
Me: “That’s not going to happen. We’re not going to set up an entire sql database infrastructure to log data.”
Senior Dev: “Yea…probably right. We could use ElasticSearch or even Redis. Those are lightweight.”
Mgr: “Oh..yea…I’ve heard good things about Redis.”
Senior Dev: “Yea, and it runs on Linux and Linux is free.”
Mgr: “I like free, but I’m late for another meeting…you guys figure it out and let me know.”
<mgr leaves>
Me: “So..Linux…um…know anything about administrating Redis on Linux?”
Senior Dev: ”Oh no…not a clue.”

It was all I could do from doing physical harm to another human being.
I really hate people playing buzzword bingo with projects I’m responsible for.

Only good piece is he’s not changing any of the code.

Fuck you Australian Fucking Internet!!

Yea sure i have fucking hours to sit here and fucking upload a 4GB repo to gitlab at 5kb/s!!! - yes the slow ass KILOBYTES, you overly expensive piece of horse shit.

fuck it, connects to phone and bam 1MB/s uploads, well theres goes a chunk of this month data :(

Who says Windows is useless....

Running a python script to swap wifi networks, auto connect to VPN servers, run SSH commands and SFTP files to servers, downloading numerous files, sifting through outlook for emails, running excel macros for data cleansing, cell merging and formulas all at the click of a button 😱

Oh yea.. this is all 1 task that I never have to do again😂

Windows is useless for development you say? 🤔

Yea,

this email

is totally

#legit

SeniorDev: “OMFG..MalwareBytes is taking up almost 50% of my CPU!”
Me: “Didn’t you have a virus on your machine couple of days ago?”
SeniorDev: “Uh..yea..but it was cleaned up.”
Me: “Your OS might have been compromised. If your antivirus is still busy doing something, then it may be time to start over with a fresh re-install.”
SeniorDev: “No, that’s not it. This is just BS our Network admins don’t want to fix because I’m not a VP”
Me: “I’m pretty sure they don’t care.”
-in as much of a ‘I’m kidding’ tone as I could -
Me: “They would care more if you stopped going to inappropriate web sites on the company computer.”
SeniorDev: “I never go to those sites. It was a link to a charity web site my wife sent me. You know how those sites are. They are built by college kids, so they have no security and was hijacked. That’s how I got the virus.”
Me: “You actually said that to Jim and he believed it?”
SeniorDev: “Well ...yea because….oh …–bleep- you.”
"Jim" sits about 50 feet away, popped his head over the cube wall and smiled. It was awesome.

Oh man!!!
I have to uninstall my linux and go back to windows... But I dont want to... C++ in vim is soooooo much more productive...
But goddamm my gaming laptop and its nvidia optimus "technology"!!!!
DAAAMMMM YOOOUUUUU NVIDIA!!!!!!!

PS. Dual booting is a nightmare too with windows 10 so... Yea... Not gonna happen

Tried installing docker on windows today (for an experiment) and after it finally installs and goes to start up i get the hyper-v required, installing will prevent virtualbox from working.

Yea... FUCK NO! There goes that idea 😡

Eclipse, you lousy shit bitch of an ass hole - yeah I went there.

So I spent several hours today trying to get eclipse to:
1) just fucking launch without erroring out and crashing
2) actually work with a reasonable dark theme. (Yea right)

But no you hunk of shit, both of these seems nearly impossible for you. And just when I get you to work, the stupid fucking lack of syntax highlighting is just dreadful as fuck. If I didn’t have to use it for Salesforce development I sure as hell wouldn’t.

Oh... wow.. yea... ok... sure...

!rant
print("Hello World!")

Erm..... Here goes nothing.
Hello everyone, I'm [REDACTED] from [REDACTED] in the SEA region. I'm a highschool student, 17, with a hobby of programming in Python 3 as a self-taught trial-and-error script kiddy, mostly small scripts from random "Yea I should do that, how long will it take?! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"-moments. I found DevRant while talking with people in a few programming Discord servers. Hope this is enough for a "Hello World!" post....and yea, welcome me to DevRant *pop confetti and hope not forced to clean up later*

I was not having much respect for out front-end developer, as the UI is not so good., yea. I know it UI depends on the designer.

Now the new design changed and our UI looks awesome.,

and I must say that my respect increased a lot when my pm asked him to fix the layout in UC Browser.

Fucking shit., in UC it is showing two lanes as one lane. I don't know why., he was working hard to fix that.

Massive Respect to him. I really happy by being backend dev.

That moment when you are just testing a web framework, you type some random text, open in browser, and Google asks whether it could translate it. Yea sure... go ahead! 😛

Someone (QCat) on devRant offered me to be his contact, it ended up with him teaching me a HUGE lot of stuff, enabling me to now code an operating system alongside him (o and I learned maths, formalism, biology, chemistry, game dev, REAL C++, drawing [I still suck at all of them though] )

So yea, thats it from my side

So my teacher wanted to play a movie cos the class got good test results, and so she asked me how to play a movie on her laptop and get it on the TV and this is how it went down...

Teacher: Sukhi, do you think you could help me.

Me: Yea sure, what do you need help with

Teacher: So I want to play a movie tomorrow but I don't know how to get it up on the TV

Me: Oh its easy just get a HDMI cable and plug your laptop into it.

Teacher: Oh yea I have like 6 of those. Ok then see ya tomorrow.

*The next day*

Teacher: Hey Sukhi, heres the HDMI cable. *Pulls out a AUX cord*

Me: *laughing and crying at the same time*

Just talked to a guy who codes microcontrolers in assembler. He wants to use a raspberry pi as an interface device between TCP and Serial port. He asked me how fast that would run over internet and I told him that it depends on the connection an other things it takes at least some milli secs to transmit.
He is like:
What the fuck do you mean milli secs?
I poll data on my 20 mhz controler every like micro sec or so and that Pi got 1Ghz.

Me like: Yea go fucking code that shit on your own with ASM.

spotted a huge bug 2 days before launch. My boss was panicking and he asked. "how long more you need?!" I look at him and almost said "Don't rush art" then I swallow my saliva and said "give me 2 hours" he said ok hurry up.

yea 2 hours after i find out what went wrong

Junior coders want to argue about database design saying an employee table in the database does not need a start date and end date because the requirements don't say that. I am doing gold plating he says. He didn't care that I had been doing this over 10 years and he 0 years. Oh yea and by the way I have never been given specific requirements about database design.

Once made simple .bat file that opens itself.
Changed the icon to Internet Explorer(yea i know what you are thinking but it was like 2003 or smt.)
Victim clicks the shortcut.
BANG! Endless loop of same application eventually freezing everything.
12 years old and feeling like a damn hacker feelsgoodman.jpg.

So pissed with MacOS , installing Ubuntu instead .

Don't take it personally yea for those apple fan

Yea, I'm sure Zuka-duche is gonna get right on that. 😂😂

Time I made a friend... oh due to code?
Well yea let’s solve the first part of this first 😢

Actually I met my significant other putting my self through tafe (you aussies will know) nearly 10 years ago so I guess that counts 😎

!dev

Whoever the fuck wit coded the entire system for the university/college application information portal over here in my country needs to be hung, shot, hung again and shot.

It's **ABSOLUTE FUCKING GARBAGE** on the design. First we have the search box. It literally takes a good 20 seconds to query 1000 entries at low traffic and 3 MINUTES at high traffic. Bad enough? Because it would also take that long to give you a table of search result which is, I shit you not, identical to the drop-down results you get while typing except rendered inside a <table></table> with some overlay!

Oh, did I mention it didn't have partial match? Yea, IT DIDN'T. For example, "John Hurr Doe City" would not match "John Hurr Doe city" just to piss you off. And then we have the fuckers that do this:
- University A John Hurr Doe city
- University B JHD City
- University C JHD city
That and no partial match. Yea. It's BS.

Also. if you wanna search again after view a school, you have to press "Back", the physical "Back" of the browser. Fair, it's good, but if you press anything other than that button, welll, you're fucked although lightly.

The cherry on top of the rant cone? The whole thing is made by the studentfucking Ministry of Education and Training, the mother of overlord of students. Yea. The fucking Ministry itself. Really. You wanna go "catch up with the world and master the 4.0 Industrial Revolution" and yet you can't fucking code the site properly. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck your horse you're riding and probably fuck you as well.

Sorry for getting slightly political at the end, the damn page is getting on my nerve.

So I finally get code in Xcode able to compile and run after crashing in main()... due to obscure settings in it's build it does not like. Took hours of hunting around, googling, and used up all my craps table luck for the month.

Now, out of the blue, after a good 30 test run, edit, compile, run cycles... BOOM, the god damn thing starts crashing at before main() again. No friggin idea why.

Xcode says SIGABRT to me... yea well I got something for you Apple Xcode... 🖕🏼

Yea 5$ for this is awesome!
Why dont u offer less for this?

Spent all morning trying to write a JSON parser in Python just to get a bit of practice (technical interview next week).

After an hour or more... Didn't get far and finally gave up...

Then I remember Python has a built-in json module... (yea no need to write in myself).

Since libraries are just py files, I open the source code... And wow!

All the public methods are nicely documented with informative comments and descriptions.

But then I look at the method calls and .... I don't understand what it's doing....

.............................. ☹️🙁😖😢😭😧😰😱

!rant
Question time for you very few Salesforce devs out there, yea I know there’s some.

Seeing as Google is not my friend today, I’m trying to get SOQL to return null valued fields back to a rest api, something this hunk of shit won’t do, and short of looping back through all the records and injecting these fields back in, I’m at a loss... any advise is welcome 🤯

Me: do you even know what computer programming is?

Person: agh yea... its when you program a computer...

Corporation.
Meeting with middle level managers.
Me - data scientist, saying data science stuff, like what accuracy we have and what problems with performance we managed to solved.
Manager 1: Ok, but is this scrum?
Manager 2: No they're using kanban.
Manager 3: That's no good. We should be using DevOps, can we make it DevOps?

So yea, another great meeting I guess..

NEW TALES FROM THE FUCKING CRYPT. It's disgusting...

... how managers keep to invest money into totally useless gadgets at the company to keep themselves motivated with stupid toys, tech and gear. WHY in fucks name would you not spend the money on hiring more devs and a dev consultant?

It's funny how they presented the stats first: "yea well we have ten big projects in dev right now" (we are FIVE FUCKING PEOPLE, tells you everything, right) "... BUT WE HAVE BOUGHT NEW SCOOTERS FOR THE COMPANY!".

Ok... why though? Who would actually use those things except the ones that bought them. Just another way of spending more money to reduce the promised employee return on the company's profit...

Working on a new project at work; all_of_a_sudden boss goes:

"A client needs the current software to do this thing, can u do it"

Me: "Yea, sure"

One week later: "Yea, Im not feeling this, can we change this, that, and--what the heck is that?"

Me: "😑 aaaaa the exact changes u wanted"

Boss:"Well, lets change (A list of stuff and new things added)

Me: Sigh....

A couple of days ago I needed a RS232 to USB adaptor.
Went to a store:
Me: Do yo have any RS232 to USB adaptor?
Him: Only to USB-C
Me: Ok... Now I just need a USB -> USB-C adaptor
Him: But what kind of TV do you want to connect?
Me: Wait. WHAT?
Him: Yea, you want a VGA to USB? Why do you need that?
Me: No, RS232, I don't need VGA...
Him: Ah... ok, no... we don't have any...

(Funny story... almost the same happened in 3 stores in a row....)
fml

Saw this on a new dev's desk ... Yea, he's fired

Wtf is the point of closing a project submission at a specific time. Yea sure let me know it’s late but if I want to post the file late let me. I was 8 seconds late to post a file for a project and it locked me out. Sure they say no late work but this is a stupid policy. Also, why is it due at 4am? No body is looking at these at 4am! Just make it due at 6 or 8am or something. Gaaa

Running a wild UPDATE statement against an inventory database, it was chaotic and didn't have backups.... yea I know 😅 the backup service died god knows when and no one noticed. I was only new at the time so #notMyFault

UPDATE stock_on_hand = 0; WHERE id IN(1,2,3,4,5,88,972,7388);
# rows affected 1,234,567,890

> I think I almost died inside.

Oh the fun that mess was to clean up.
The positive outcome of this was, we had backups working again not long after and the inventory counts where accurate after that stock take.

Less stress.. No panic.. And yea.. Beer. Drink beer if you're really stressed... Helps me out everytime..
By the way I am drinking beer as I write this..

I was asked to check something today that was handed over on a USB stick. "Could you check that the file structure is correct". Of course I said. Then I prepared my camera, changed the insides of the stick to my rubber ducky, wrote a little script and uploaded it. Oh yea and corrected the structure.

The face of the colleague was priceless when I brought back the stick and he sticked it right into his computer.

The script was roughly:
- open browser
- open history
- search "porn"
- select second row
- enter

=D office pranks <3

So I'm on vacation in the Harzgebirge, it's evening and I want to watch something on Crunchyroll.

aEuGh We BlOcKeD yOuR ASN.

Yea turns out they've got the hotel WiFi on a blacklist.
Oh sorry, no-no-list.

! rant
Today has been a good day.
Woke up telling myself I should make a build for my game to see how it perform (didn't do a single one in several months). Was expecting some issues like always. But everything built on first try, on Windows and Linux (which is a fist attempt for the later).
So yea, today has been a good day 😎

!rant

Oh yea. Got an interview on the first try to the best devshop in town. Exited! Let's hope our interests meet. Applying for the first time in 10 years. Feels like going on a first date. =D

So I log into a great new site with my development machine. 64G of RAM, and 2 hex core CPU's; GTX 1070 video, SSD, etc. 4K display screen. (Motherboard is 5 years old, not trying to brag, just give context). I regularly put 8 pages of text on the screen side by side. Split ergonomic keyboard.

It wants me to load a mobile app for "full access".

Yea, why look at the world with wide open eyes when you can view everything through a cardboard toilet paper tube and type with your thumbs???

== John ==

A client asked me to include a GA tracking code into her website,

I said yea I'll add it for you, just send me the code snippet please :)

she sent me the URL to google analytics login page....

I told her that I need the code snippet not the URL.

She replied: yah that's what I sent.

Me:...

Any devrant-ers at the Kansas City Developer's Conference (kcdc) right now? Right now = July 12th & 13th, 2018.

If you see me, I'm that guy who just grabbed a handful of life saver mints at the vendor booth. Yea...*that* guy.

Rant? Only thing so far is the heat (air conditioning can't keep up with the outside) and breakfast (see attached). I guess some people call that breakfast, but I suppose its better than nothing.

Yea it’s totally cool. Dropping a conference call on me 30 minutes before it happens. And then you (and everyone else in the call) should be late too. And then do this stuff all the damn time and ask me why I have to push the deadline back. But get super pissy when I give you a realistic deadline that factors these bullshit experiences in!

Then after I wait 10 minutes on the line, tell me it’s been moved to the bottom of the hour which doesn’t really leave me enough time to do anything but play on DevRant. Fucking insanity.

So I recently wacthed Prison Break

Right in the beginning, Michael takes the hdd out of his computer and throws it out the window

Me: Yea he should've dismantled that drive and thrown the pieces away in different places

Then later on someone else is trying to figure his plan and finds the drive and recovers data. Yea.. what did I say?

Me: Why are we spending time building reports for Support? AFAIK they never read or use them.

Boss: Seems they expect you to do it.

Me: Then what exactly are they supposed to be doing? All the issues seem to just escalate back to us.... We should just make sure issues never get into PROD

Boss: I agree, they're always firefighting... we gave them more funding so eventually they should catch up **Me: I highly doubt it, you should just stop hiring monkeys** esp. if we prevent PROD issues.

Me: Yea... we should prevent production issues because someone always has to pay off the (technical) debt and interest rates in PROD are very high

Another Developer: bro, shit hit the fan. The x web service is throwing some error. Can you take a look please. I want to go home. I'm tired.
Me: Yea sure bro no worries.
Another Developer: I go pee, after that I will delegate the ticket to you.
(Another Developer goes to the washroom)
Me: (04:59 PM) Oh time to pack-up and get the fuck out of here
Me: (05:08 PM) Receive a message on Viber from Another Developer. It reads "Fuck you, I'm going to rub my balls on your desk"

Conversation yesterday (senior dev and the mgr)..

SeniorDev: "Yea, I told Ken when using the service, pass the JSON string and serialize to their object. JSON eliminates the data contract mismatch errors they keep running into."
Mgr: "That sounds really familiar. Didn't we do this before?"
SeniorDev: "Hmmm...no. I doubt anyone has done this before."
Me: "Yea, our business tier processor handled transactions via XML. It allowed the client and server to process business objects regardless of platform. Partners using Perl,
clients using Delphi, website using .aspx, and our SQLServer broker even used it."
Mgr: "Oh yea...why did we stop using it?"
Me: "WCF. Remember, the new dev manager at the time and his team broke up the business processor into individual WCF services."
Mgr: "Boy, that was a crap fest. We're still fighting bugs from the mobile devices. Can't wait until we migrate everything to REST."
SeniorDev: "Yea, that was such a -bleep-ing joke."
Me: "You were on Jake's team at the time. You were the primary developer in the re-write process saying passing strings around wasn't the way true object-oriented developers write code.
So it's OK now because the string is in JSON format or because using a JSON string your idea?"

SeniorDev turns around in his desk and puts his headphones back on.

That's right you lying SOB...I remember exactly the level of personal attacks you spewed on me and other developers behind our backs for using XML as the message format.

Keep your fat ass in your seat and shut the hell up.

me: * is on Devrant at school*
teacher: what's devrant ?
me: it's where I go to complain about you
teacher: ...
yea. so fun story, my first computer science class I took freshman year where I knew more about programming than the teacher, not to mention most of the people in that class had 0 interest in actually learning computers

Aaaaaw fuck yea. I'm finally at my mother's, for my first holidays since late December 2017, and I FINALLY can sleep as much as I want without being bothered. I just slept 30+ hours in 3 days, which is close to what I sleep in a week. Still tired though, but I feel so much more relaxed than the evening I arrived at my mom's place 3 days ago *.*

"We need to have a meeting to clarify your role"

My head: Just give me a raise and then leave me alone

My mouth: Yea, sure. When works for you

Context:
My job is a little confusing.
My title on paper is support technician and I'm on the DevOps team but I have my own project to automate health checks. So most the accurate title for me would actually be Automation Developer Attached To [department name] DevOps

Me: *joins devRant once again*
"Wow this community is surely active! Better check frequently to keep up!"
*checks two times in 6 hours*
"Yea it was weekend. Probs everyone is getting their hands in a dirty pile of compileable code or a spaghetti of jQuery."

So, how is your day/night so far?

Me: "can you please send my credentials for the database?"

Hosting provider: "Yea sure... We will set it up on our servers in no time"

*5 mins later: provider sends mail to me*

Me: *looks at mail*

Also me: *NOTHING TO DO HERE*

Congrats to jweiland.net for not being able to support their customers.

PM: "Can you take a look at this app and see if you can find why it's producing errors and fix it"
Me: "Yea sure, can I see the documentation so I might be able to understand the system and why it's doing that?"
PM: "There's no documentation" ... "Also it was cowboy coded by an intern"

Daily standups- yea or nay?

Me: Did you notice <application> is doing <bug>?
Best co-worker: Hmmm yea, I noticed.
Me: It must be because of <faulty implementation>.
Best co-worker: Yeah, don't worry I'll correct it.
Me: *moves on happily to other things*

Friend: can you take a look at my code, there’s this bug that I’m having trouble with.

Me: yea sure.

Friend shows me IntelliJ with the default white theme...

Me: WTF man, my eyes are burning.

Never looking at his code again. At least until he changes to a dark theme.

Remember when during a tough game level u quicksaved like every 10 secs. Yea this was me today

Convo I had 5 minutes with someone a just met at school

Them: what are you studying?
Me: computer science, what about you?
Them: so you know how to make websites?
Me: yea I have a couple years of experience in web dev but I like IT and automation more
Them: can I send you my white paper? Would u be ok with making a website for it?
Me: ....... potentially?

Thought it was weird they wanted me to do that for them when I just met them

Yea...I built the system. That doesn't mean I want to spend all day using it to perform administrative tasks for you and your team. I only have permissions to do things because it's the nature of the beast...not because I should be assigning leads, granting permissions, etc. Please! Someone take the reins and use the shit I built!

why is everyone hating on python lately?

I know it's not perfect, and it takes care of a lot of shit for you. and it's slow, and doesn't have a decent compiler, and PEP 8 encroaches on everything good in the world, and mandatory whitespace, etc.

yea. it's got some issues. but it's still a good language imo. and it's easy to write, it's fun to write, it looks nice (not Ruby level nice but ehh). not worthy of all the "fuck python!" talk.

CoWorker: “Yea then just use double inheritance to grab the methods off the two classes.”

Me: “Yea that doesn’t seem right... the first object is a string parser the second object predicts future occurrences...”

CoWorker: [louder] “No trust me, I’m taking a developer course right now. If you inherit both classes your new class can use all the needed methods!”

Me: “Okay, go for it bro.”

So tired of people who think they know what they’re doing...

Y'all know those classes where you get 100s on the assignments and understand the material, and participate in class discussions, but get low 50s on the tests?

yea. Fuck those classes.

Next Wednesday, I have a project presentation at my school, where me and a fellow student will show to a jury a project we worked on for at least 6 months (and also that the 3rd dude in my team did absolutely nothing). This means that at the end of this, we'll get a diploma, which means the end of my fucking studies that took me 7 years.

The same day, I have my 3rd job interview with a company, in which I expect to either sign a contract or to get back the contract a few days after.

I'm both overwhelmed and shitting my pants.

One of my students failed one of the necessary tasks for exam admittance, then handed in the next one (even a bit too late via email instead of uploading it properly lol). Then I reminded him that he already failed the course and that I cant accept his solution, thinking he might not have read my previous evaluation?

"oh yea, that's right, i remember now!"

I mean like.. how do you forget something like that?!?!

I remember when Android brought new innovative functionality and the play store offered hundreds of apps to customize your phone and so on. (Compared to my previous phone)

Now I feel like every new version, if it's Android or iOS, just adapts more to fit the common user. The apps I mentioned still exist but the store offers your trends that - yea, suck (hello social networks)! It's not a phone with new features anymore but a phone that's better for fucking braindeads. And I dislike that. I am not the common user.

Fucking android framework. Sucks my huge ass balls. What is wrong with the people that wrote this?
You implement a fba and hide it when the recyclerview in the corresponding is scrolled down.
Then you change to API level 25 and they fucking decide it would be a good idea to refuse to send the onNestedScroll when the visibility for a fba is set to GONE which is itself not bad, but they also think setting the visibility for the fba when you call the hide() method to... yea you guessed it FUCKING GONE would be an amazing decision. Oh yea you smart ass nice decision I'm so glad you did it.

Yea baby!

yeah I am a software engineer.
yea I am a programmer too.
yeah I am behind my laptop all the time..

but no I don't want to fix your computer.
I have no interest in changing your windows, installing antivirus on your pc and so on..

just understand it , God damn these shit people :(

Too lazy to come up with a better name...

Yea... the app still works...

5th time editing the crawler logic... 2 years now?

Yea sure, I'd like to refactor your fucking 1000 loc spagetti code "module" with no documentation at all...

Me: *opens devTools*
Firefox: yea bro lemme just ..uh.. hmm yeah so this is the css for the element, see?
Me: Thanks.
Me:
Me: this makes no sense, why would I ever do that?
Firefox: also you can't have width on an anchor tag. I can't put that rule into effect
Me: I didn't put any width on your inline element, you sure about that?
Firefox: yea try using display: inline-block
Me: No. I'll just delete that. *checks file*
Me: Maybe that line is wrong because IT DOES NOT FUCKING EXIST!

What is this shit? I just restarted you! What else do you need, a reinstall? Drink too much over the holidays?

It's like the css editor has become a shallow tray with rules on it, and as soon as you bump it a little everything spills over and then Firefox just thinks oops, I've got this font-size: 200% lying around, lemme stick this into the hr tag which makes sense because THERE CAN'T BE ANY TEXT IN IT.

Hell yea, gotta finish my prep project for my bachelor's thesis so I've been coding every day since the beginning of the holidays.

To be perfectly honest with you I love it! It's like a 9-5 job, no classes at uni, just work and coffee breaks and I even got to go back to my parent's house for two weeks which is wonderful.

I wish that uni could always be like that though, gotta make the most of those two weeks

Tomorrow are is my final exam in english (I'm a german).
So what did I do today?
Learning...? A bit.
RegEx...? Heck yea!

Thinking of using Xamarin for the development of a mobile app for a side project. Yea or nay? Android and iPhone.

Yea. Fuck you too.

Fuck me, I lost my motivation AGAIN!
I mean, yea, this is a big project and I alone am obviously not enough workforce to do it, but I at least hoped for a prototype. And instead of writing anything like that, I end up writing all sorts of unnecessary modules and wrappers for game engine functions. Grrr.

I’m really struggling to see WHY IN THE HELL it was necessary to delete my FUCKING NETWORK PROFILES to update this FRUIT FUCKED ALUMINUM SHIT BOX!

How did they test this and be like, oh, yea, you can’t connect automatically to ANY of the WiFi networks you have saved, because we deleted all the network profiles. That is acceptable, it won’t cause anyone any real problems.

Sure you need to update some shit. But why are you even touching that part of the disk? Damn you filthy lying fruit fuckers!

Make a change, test it out. Nothing changes.
Make a change, test it out. Nothing changes.
Make a change, test it out. Nothing changes. Sigh.
Make a change, test it out. It changed! Yea!
But still not right.
Make a change, test it out....

So I just spent 2 hours debugging a script that fetches data from an API. Thats all it was supposed to do. Http get some data.

It wasnt working and was giving a "parse error". Worked fine in browser.

So it turns out it was using http 0.9 (first documented http version, defined in 1991) and wasnt sending any headers. And js cant do no headers...

So yea I now have to write a tcp / http 0.9 client in js

I’ve come to terms that my company is blasphemisizing what software engineering has taught me to be right and true. Fuck unittesting, fuck VcS, let’s go rawdogging the changes to prod like the real men did back when the times were great hell yea

Almost finished yet.. Yea the power supply is on the wrong side, but it looks way cooler! #BlueLED

0) Because it's kind of Magic.
1) Love solving complex/small problem using this magic.
2) It's frustrating as well as exciting when magic is not working.

So yea it's kinda magical and doesn't matter which language you do magic in.

CoWorker: so when are you going to be out?
Me: taking 1 week off Oct 1. I need a break from production issues and all these critical tasks...
CW: ah OK yea, you deserve it. So where you going?
Me: well I'm planning to just stay home unless the weather is really nice. I'm going to try React Native to build a mobile app and maybe look for some open source projects... O yes gotta look into my investments too...

CW: Oohhhh... Ok.... (We go on talking about Trump and why somehow the markets haven't crashed yet...)

So yesterday I made a rant about my tablet taking a shit and going bye bye. Well, today I'd like to introduce my new Lenovo Ideapad 110 Touch 15ACL with
An AMD A8 8GB RAM processor
1TB HDD
Window 10 Pro OS
Yea im not going to list everything thats too much

Client be like:
Hello,

could you please restore our database from today's backup?

At a first glance - nothing out of the ordinary. Daily backups are standard...

Until we get the backed up snapshot running.

MySQLDump is somehow... Stuck. It... Doesn't seem to be doing... Like, anything. For ages. Wtf.

So we check the database. Connect, change scheme and... The commandline tool gets stuck, too. Weird.

So a layer lower, we check the datadir and... ls... After also getting stuck for a bit, lists about 500k files O_o

Yea, dumping a database with roughly ~250k tables is not fun. No wonder it takes ages.

Yeah sex is cool and all but have you ever solved a stupid complex lifetime problem in Rust?

Y'all know when you first hear about interrupts? Maybe on an arduino or something when you're just getting started and learning?

Yea after suffering enough trying to get ISRs running on an x86 just to get keyboard input going, I can safely and securely confirm it's all going downhill.

I love you all.

wow... the regular react community sucks...

where with react-native 3rd party libraries/components have very clear and detailed docs, the normal react libs out there are like:

20K starred component
"here is a .txt file with some props, TS? yea we use it, but everything is just set to ?: any"

quite the shame :/

At first glance, this week's group rant seems perfect for me since I have drunk coded at least 2 to 3 times per month (my TGIFs are usually followed by Saturday morning demo meetings).

However I cannot say I have had any particular "worst" code that I have done so far.

Yea I once formatted and installed some linux distro while drunk and couldn't remember the login info the next morning.

Yea I once exported, imported between dbs from prod and local while drunk and lost this and that data.

Yes I once decided to organize my repositories and somehow deleted some repos without any backup while I was drunk.

I was fine. I somehow solved my way out by either bullshitting or being quiet or fixing without any sleep. Most of the times nobody really comprehend the extent of my actions. So I was fine. Hence I really don't have any particular worst drunk coding experience yet.

Best drunk coding experience?
Well I do not agree that coding while drunk is a pleasurable or fun thing to do. So I don't really have that either.

This week's topic is actually a very tough one although it might seem easy.

It's 7 AM here and i had just finished a project deliverable in 12 hours so yea good morning

Yea please! i want more updates...
2 each day isnt really much isnt it?

!rant

Officially on vacations! YEA BOI!

I was trying to Commit but hit Start Debugging instead...

Yea those buttons are really far apart... guess I need sleep.

Me: Yea, Linux is great! Screw Windows!
*Touchpad stops working on startup
Me: It's fine, it could happen on Windows...
*Laptop fans start blasting at 100% during class
Me: It's uhh, probably just a simple thing, nothing to worry about....
*Restarts computer after updating. Screen completely black, even after restarting multiple times.
Me: Oh FFS....

Fuck yea!
We'll cancel our 1&1 internet contract —
And move to QuiX.

Countryside internet is shit. And QuiX builds fiberglass (or so) on countryside while stupid ass telekom only dares to enrich cities with fast internet connection.

And no I'm being paid by QuiX to say this. I don't know, maybe they suck but since I am a gamer in need of fast internet, I'm excited at least..

The mechanical team once told me, hey I want this feature on the software - sure it will take approx 1 week. Yea I know, but I want it without any bugs.

WTF?? They sure got some f words from me. 😅

The car I bought last week cost R10 000 (South African Rand) less than the house my parents bought in 1999...

Yea inflation is wack