Shit happens... but never let your shit go to far... specially while in production or drunk.

A non-techie just asked me this, "when your computer overheats, why does it freeze?"

When you have big dreams but limited resources

Well at-least now I know why I haven't been able to login.

I just remembered the first time I set up a Linux-Server. It was a simple Apache webserver at my first internship anf I didnt have a clue about literally anything.

My mentor guided me through and gave me literal step-by-step instructions (alright, now type... and now type...).

At the end he told me "OK, now run 'sudo rm -rf /*' to finish setting up". Me, being the naive and clueless motherfucker I am, happily nuked the everloving shit out of my newly setup server. I was like "Alright, WTF just happened??" He then told me "Now that you know how it works, do the entire thing again all by yourself. And you just learned an important lesson: NEVER exexute commands you dont know what theyre doing". I really did learn a lot on that day and still follow that lesson :D

That time when I was wrong, the client was wrong, but my algorithm was right.

I'm proud of you son

So my actual job is being a nurse at the local hospital, with coding being just a hobby. However, the way some IT–Related things are treated here are just mind-blowing. Here are some examples:

Issue: Printer is not recognized by network anymore due to not being properly plugged in

Solution: Someone has to tell the house technician, if the house technician is currently not available, ask his assistant who only works part time and like twice a week. House technician took the printer (God knows why), came back 2 days later and plugged it back in.

Issue: Printer 1 of 2 on ICU has run out of ink and since all computers default to printer 1, nobody can print.

Solution: Call the house technician, blah blah, house technician comes, takes ink cartridge of printer 2 and puts it into printer 1.

Issue: Public WiFi is broken, can be connected to but internet access is missing. Probably config issue as a result of a recent blackout.

Solution: Buy a new router, spend 5 days configuring it and complain about how hard networking is.

Issue: Computer is broken, needs to be exchanged with a new one, but how do we transfer the data?

Solution: Instead of just keeping the old hard drive, make a 182GB backup, upload it to the main file server and then download it again on the new computer.

Issue: Nurse returns from vacation, forgot the password to her network account.

Solution: Call the technician who then proceeds to open a new account, copies all the files from the old one and tells her to pick an easier password this time. She chooses "121213".

Precision 😂

I just found out that Microsoft created solitaire to teach users to click and drag with the mouse, and minesweeper to teach users to use the right button of their mouse.

Amazing!

I was wondering y the internet was down 🧐

Me: Your computer has Operating System corruption.

Customer: What does that mean?

Me: *something, something potato chips* and the only fix is to reinstall Windows.

Customer: Well that's stupid! I need my computer! Darn Windows! Microsoft should pay for that reinstallation! What causes that corruption anyway?

Me: Well, any number of things, but it's mostly caused by a part of the update not downloading correctly, so when it gets installed it creates a hole.

Customer: So now hold on... could shutting the computer down during the updates cause this corruption.

Me: It could, yes. That's why they say to not unplug your computer or shut it down while running the updates.

Customer: I see. Cause yeah, I remember that I was angry when it said it had to do updates, so I shut it down.

Me: Yep, that would cause it.

Customer: Okay, reinstall Windows...

Every executable file I make is rubbish. It's always in bin

:D

There once was a dev who was a believer,
that the best IDE was Dreamweaver!
He argued with zest,
That drag and drop was best;
So I murdered him to death with a cleaver.

In the beginning there was darkness

$: git init

And there was light

The best time to buy bitcoin was when it was released

The second best time was a few years ago when it was only like $200/btc

The third best time was probably last year before they went up 650% in value

The worst time is apparently whenever I buy in

!dev, still a rant(ish) thingy..

TLDR: long day, had a brain fart, forgot I was married

Long(er) story: Came home from work, late as usual this week..tired.. talking with my husband about our days..
He was picking up sth from the store and goes on saying what the saleslady said: Your wife will sure like it..

>> mid sentence screaming interruption <<

My mouth: You're married?! WTF?!
My brain: & why is this the first time I hear about thi.. oh..
Mouth: OMG, I'm sooo soooo sorry!!!

I love my husband ♡ but my head is still trying to adjust to the last name change & promotion from boyfriend/partner to husband.. In my defense, he forgets it too sometimes.. but always only the titles, not the other important parts that count!

Dear devRant,
Meeting you was fate, becoming your member was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control.

I remember some years ago when a professor asked -
"What is the difference between SQL and MySQL?"

And one of the students answered -
Uh... I don't know... SQL is more like a general SQL and MySQL is a personal SQL...

:|

My friend had the bright idea of making a version of bubble sort that plays a quacking sound effect on every swap. I added in different variations of the same sound effect for various conditions.

We named it "Quacksort," and one of the professors asked us to present it to the intro class.

My career has reached its peak.

Anyone else have weird useless dreams?

Last night I dreamed that if my cat couldn't open my door, it was because her depencies weren't correctly installed.

I have a telephone headset with a "confusing" mute button. Sometimes it works normally, but quite often it will "double-toggle" (toggle twice as though I pressed it twice, which essentially has no effect) - so I'm either left muted or left un-muted, the same as before I pressed the button at all - so I have to press it again, sometimes several times, for it to actuary work.

While I'm at my desk, I have a visual indicator of mute status (a light that turns green for un-muted or red for muted), so I can easily tell if my mic is hot or not. My old headset had a nice audible beep reminder if I was muted, but the new headset? Nope, not-so-much.

I work from home, while my wife works at an office; so each morning she leaves, but I stay in the home office. I almost always see her off one way or another, usually doing or saying something funny as she heads out.

So, one day, I'm on a large conference call with a number of cross-team managers, and my wife is about to head out the door. With the meeting droning on in my headset, I was in the kitchen with her for a while helping finish clean up after breakfast and getting her ready to go.

She needed to pack an ice-pack for some reason, and for the random humor of it, I start screaming something to the effect of "GIMMIE YO ICE PACKS - GIMMIE ALLLL YO ICE PACKS - YEAH! YEAH! IMMA PUT MY BAAAAAAAAALLLLLS ON IT - WHOOOOOOOOO!"

During which time I am jumping around like a crazy person, including actually grabbing one of the ice packs, putting it down the front of my pants and screaming. Loudly.

It was after my own screaming I overheard more than one person yelling on the bridge line "YOU'RE NOT MUTED! YOU'RE NOT MUTED!"

I have seldom felt such raw, unadulterated panic.

I rushed back to my home office - yes, the green light is on my desk - my mic is hot. When I pressed mute at some point earlier in the call, it double-toggled, leaving me un-muted, and I never knew.

Even more embarrassing was the chat session I saw on my computer screen. It was from my manager (one of the managers on the call) - he had pinged me several times while I was in the kitchen.

It read something like:

hey, you there?
is that your phone
I think your phone isn't muted
mute
dude, mute
is that you?
MUTE!
did you just say balls?

One day I developed a simple website for a goldsmith who I already new for a year or so.

We discussed everything and agreed on a feature set, price and a deadline when it should be ready. Based on this we signed a contract and I started my work.

Unfortunately at the same time I lost most of my childhood friends. I moved to a new city and started to study computer science, which was awesome on the contrary.

This is where the horror began.

I was totally occupied by the studying, my partner, myself and by the shit of life.

It knocked on my door. The horror decided to pay me a visit.

"Had a look at your calendar recently? Just saying..."

Shit! The deadline came closer and closer everyday and the pile of work undone grew with it. At that point I had to do something. I don't know what it was or how I did it, but somehow I managed to finish the project just in time. I was totally not proud of it, but it featured what was required.

The day before I contacted my client, the horror knocked on my door again. He said:

"You really should have a look at your hard drive."
"Why? everything seems allright."
"Well, then look closer."
"Fuck."
"Right."

Well, there are backups at least, I thought to myself. I'll just recover the last state. That was an annoying thought, but nothing serious. That's just one or two days of w... - Wait, what? Where are my backups? What the actual fuck? Why is the zip file broken? Why doesn't the flash drive work anymore? FUUUCK!!

I was lost. It was a complete nightmare.

Each time my telephone rang the following days, my heart skipped a beat. Finally my client's name appeared on the display. I answered the call, my hands shaking.

"Hey there! I'm calling to discuss the website project with you."
"Well, about that..."
"Yeah, I know you put a huge amount of efford in it so I'm really sorry to say that I on the other hand can't effort the money. Actually I'd like to simply forget about this whole idea."

Seriously? What the fuck just happend? I suddenly noticed a sticky note infront of me reading:
"It was really fun to see you suffer, but I have to go! See ya
- The Horror"

"Hello, are you still there? Do you hear me?", yelled a voice through my phone.
"Uh, yeah. You know, that project was a lot of work and... but you know what? It was actually a pretty fun exercise and I'm doing well over here, so because it's you I'd agree."
I heared a reliefed sigh from the other end of the line.
"Really good! I owe you something! Bye!"

What. The. Fuck.

When you're hard at work on an algo but forgot to take your ADHD medicine so the squirrels are fighting outside but need to check Facebook statuses and having a dance party to Cotton Eyed Joe is a great coworker on LinkedIn which is now coded in Ember JS is weird compared to Python and my pencil is a funny color and my keyboard is shiny. I forgot the punchline. I'm gonna have a bowl of cereal. What was I doing?

Variable naming at its best...
Took only 2 hours to notice the difference between leftToRight and lefttoRight

The first time writing code in an airplane was very uncomfortable. Everyone around me thought I was hacking the airliner.

I was writing HTML.

Got very little sleep last night, not in a great mood to begin with. Came into work to find someone borrowed one of my cables that I need and hasn't returned it. It was wrapped around a few things to keep it tidy, all of which have been moved, stretched, bent etc. Now my battery is running low and he has emailed to say won't be in for 30 minutes.

Think the only reasonable course of action in a just world, is for me to strangle him with the cable when he gets in. I mean come on, whats the alternative? Still haven't gotten that pen back from last year ... this place is going downhill fast!

I was mediocre in school, you could say my average grade was C++.

Remember the days when 8GB of ram was more than enough? Hahahah...hah.

The strangest place I've ever coded... I woudn't say it was the strangest, but definitely the least expected?

The hospital's recovery room after my second child.

I was working at/in Hell at the time (see previous rants concerning API Guy and the asshole salesman CEO). Said salesman douchebag ceo bossman had no recollection of me being expecting, going to the hospital, or even why I was there (and if he did, he wouldn't have cared at all). He still insisted I work on his shit features because they were so important for his ever-so-important client and their new signups that they were going to do anyway. I loathe him so fucking much.

Anyway, the feature in question was pretty tiny: during the new client onboarding process, if the client came from a specific affiliate link, the frontpage should change to reflect that affiliate's branding -- different background, a custom header, etc. It was pretty easy to do, though I made certain he didn't know that. During an hour while everyone else was asleep (and while I wasn't passing out from exhaustion), I pulled out my macbook air and built his stupid feature next to my hours-hold newborn.

Did I get any appreciation for that? Sure! He showed appreciation by not yelling at me for a few days. But only because he thought the feature was difficult and that I got it done quickly, not because anything else was difficult. Asshole.

Yes, I told him several times before and several times more afterward. I don't know what goes though his head or how it even works, but it didn't seem like a big deal to him, and he kept forgetting, or maybe he just pretended to listen like he always did. Fucking asshole apparently never heard of maternity leave. I could rant and swear and curse and fume and rage about him for years 🤬 I can't believe I was so excited when I netted that job.

But anyway, building the feature was actually kind of relaxing. I organized and wrote the entire project myself, so working with it was a pleasure, and it was an easy change that I could abstract nicely and cleanly. I totally didn't mind doing it, and actually kind of enjoyed it. I just hated who I was doing it for, and that he didn't fucking care. Used and abused? absolutely. I hope he dies in the most painful, gruesome way possible. Spaghettification might not even be awful enough

HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE!

Just when I thought today was my last day at this job they tell me contract has been extended by another 5 weeks... Fuck yes! :-D

There was a time in India where github was blocked

What the fuck, it says on both my LinkedIn profile and on my CV that I'm a student but I can take on part time projects, and I also told a recruiter the same thing over phone (after he found me on LinkedIn).

Today I had lunch with said recruiter. Guess who had no clue I was a student?

I was young, I was foolish ....

!dev

New year's resolutions:

1) Rid and keep my life free of toxic people. This includes parents.
2) Find a well-paying job that isn't also toxic.
3) Take care of myself for a change!
4) Stop putting up with things I don't have to.
5) Actually enjoy things I enjoy.
6) Finally buy a harp. I've wanted one since I was 3 ffs.
7) Finish de-googling my life.

Being a techie surrounded by "normal" people is like a torment you didn't ask for. I just watched someone copy a whole folder of images to their flash drive.
File by file.
Without keyboard shortcuts.
In one explorer window.

Select, copy, navigate to flash drive, paste, navigate to folder, repeat.

Today I told my lead developer that I liked star wars episode 8.

I got grilled pretty hard.

Like, I can drop a db and the motherfucker ain't gon give a fuck. But God forbid a mofocka likes episode 8.

That is a big no no to him.

Manager had told me that I should keep that opinion of the movie to myself.

Lesson learned.

Someone wrote a piece of code half a year ago. It's fuckin complex and recursive. And uncommented. Today it's my job to figure out WHY and HOW it works.
If it wasn't clear before, that someone who wrote it was me. I'm not sure if I was on some substances back then, but that shit is fast and I have no clue how I was able to create it. Perhaps it was the coffee overdose...

However, wish me luck figuring this thing out.

Erm, I think I’ve just fucked Google’s AI

Can't a man just ask a rhetorical question?

Found this in my dad's house.

Looks as if he didn't used it.

Any one know how to install this somehow? (Even though it is impossible, probably)

Lost half a work day because of an ISP outage. (Testing mailers doesn't work without a connection)

Turns out it was a loose cable on our modem that happened to coincide with the ISP outage elsewhere.

Ugh.

When I was a kid, I thought softonic was the best website to download crack softwares

Ohh poor me 😐😐

Buttons that constantly move around the page, because of loading content, is the main reason I have trust issues.

Adventures in security land, part II:

I’m getting pulled off the security review team and instead relegated to part-time security tickets alongside my usual dev work. (So, someone else finds them, i fix them.)

Guess I found and debated too many problems with the lead dev’s code. 🙄

"Error: Did not return an error"

This is what you write at 4 in the morning.

All respect to android (love the system (no, that doesn't mean that I love google)) and also to awesome custom roms (hell even some vendors make quite good ones imo!).

BUT WHO THE FUCKING HELL THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO LIMIT THE AMOUNT OF ALARMS YOU CAN HAVE TO 15 OR EVEN LIMIT IT AT ALL?!?
I HAVE TO GET UP AT 3:30 FOR WORK EACH NIGHT AND THIS IS *NOT* HELPING.

THE PERSON WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA CAN TAKE A PHONE, OPEN THAT DEFAULT CLOCK APP AND SHOVE IT UP HIS FUCKING ASS.

It was 1999. I was just starting my first real job as a programmer for a major insurance company. We were working on code that would screen scrape legacy mainframe data output and convert it to a web-based UI. REALLY stupid project approach I had no input on. I happened to find a programmer in Germany who had released his code in the public domain that would help with making a certain conversion task easier. I downloaded his code and put it to work.

During a code review, a programmer who was probably about 60 asked me where I got the code and what it was doing. I didn't even get to the part about what it was doing because he made fun of me so badly, in a fake German accent in front of a room full of non-programmers, for using code that today is no big deal due to the prevalence of open source. I just clammed up in humiliation because he got everyone laughing at me. His philosophy was if we didn't buy it or write it ourselves, we had no business using it.

I guess I was just ahead of my time?

Just bought the Surfacebook and all day at work I imagined trying out all its features and different apps - Then I woke up to realise it is still a Windows device, been installing updates for the past two hours.

Dubai International runs on intel...

I was told in an 1:1, quite literally, "not everybody can do what they want to do if they are not good at it..." - get fucked! The person I had to "report to" was an idiot (at the same senior level as I was) and obviously threatened.

Then moved down to customer support, where I was fired for fixing problems faster than going through the chain of levels, because I was creating quick scripts to patch the faulty data.

Rant

Told my boss I don't want to do the shit work. I need work that matches my job description.

He said ok. 🤷‍♂️

Finally graduated only to realize that my degree did not provide hard skills, only outdated practices and student loans.

So my hard drive as making a weird, cracky, crunchy, popping noise and I was super scared. DONT QUIT ON ME NOW.

And then I was super relieved to find out it was in fact my stomach.

Another few seconds go by and I realize I was just HAPPY to find out my laptop was fine, and it was ME that was unhealthy.

I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET A MATHS PART OF MY RENDERER WORKING FOR TWO DAYS NOW AND IT HAS BEEN WORKING THE WHOLE TIME BUT I WAS USING THE WRONG VALUES TO TEST IT THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME I WANT TO DIE

It was a normal school day. I was at the computer and I needed to print some stuff out. Now this computer is special, it's hooked up onto a different network for students that signed up to use them. How you get to use these computers is by signing up using their forms online.

Unfortunately, for me on that day I needed to print something out and the computer I was working on was not letting me sign in. I called IT real quick and they said I needed to renew my membership. They send me the form, and I quickly fill it out. I hit the submit button and I'm greeted by a single line error written in php.

Someone had forgotten to turn off the debug mode to the server.
Upon examination of the error message, it was a syntax error at line 29 in directory such and such. This directory, i thought to myself, I know where this is. I quickly started my ftp client and was able to find the actual file in the directory that the error mentioned. What I didn't know, was that I'd find a mountain of passwords inside their php files, because they were automating all of the authentications.

Curious as I was, I followed the link database that was in the php file. UfFortunately, someone in IT hadn't thought far enough to make the actual link unseeable. I was greeted by the full database. There was nothing of real value from what I could see. Mostly forms that had been filled out by students.

Not only this, but I was displeased with the bad passwords. These passwords were maybe of 5 characters long, super simple words and a couple number tacked onto the end.

That day, I sent in a ticket to IT and told them about the issue. They quickly remedied it by turning off debug mode on the servers. However, they never did shut down access to the database and the php files...

How to know a mobile game will suck

Opens game says need to download more data... Ok

22 files needed, looks pretty fast... all's good

#22 apparently HUGE file...

**feeling doubtful...**

**It's almost there.... done!**

Downloading file 1/34

**WTF... I see what you're doing now... ok I'll wait....**

Finally done... Ok loading....

loading....

black screen, loading?

still black....

（╯－＿－）╯╧╧

ಠ︵ಠ凸

I was on GitLab before it was cool

Every time I hear my boss say "surely it can't be that hard" or "that's what, like a 5 minute job?"
*shudder*

Fell asleep with my hand on the keyboard and woke up a few hours later. There was many thousands of newlines in my code.

Was wondering why my rig was slowing down to a crawl to find it was MalwareBytes so had no choice but to remove it...Goodnight sweet price.

So, I set up my computer after moving and settling in.

Turns out all the jostling killed the pump on my water cooler 🙁 It now sounds like an unmaintained soviet train at full speed, and starts burning up. Poor thing.

Guess it’s time to build a new one. Though parts aren’t exactly available right now...

Bleh.

I lost my job 😅 tbh did me a favour. I was backend, this guy was frontend and was a typical opinionated JavaScript, magpie dev and I just did not give 2 fucks about what he thought was “amazballs” and we had a small tiff, we’ll he was arguing, I was trying to do my job and I just didn’t care enough about his feelings on the subject, forget what it was about but I think it was trivial. But anyway, I was let go soon after 😅

Pure genius!!

wooah.... devRant's front page got a whole redesign....

... though it feels sort of main-stream now...

How was you you guys Valentine’s day? I was stuck with my work.

Programmers then:

No problem NASA mate, we can use these microcontrollers to bring men to the moon no problem!

Programmers now:

Help Stack Overflow, my program is kill.. isn't 90GB (looking at you Evolution) and 400GB of virtual memory (looking at you Gitea) for my app completely normal? I thought that unused memory was wasted memory!1!

(400GB in physical memory is something you only find in the most high-end servers btw)

Time to start coding with my new duck

I was on vacation when my employer’s new fiscal year started. My manager let me take vacation because it’s not like anything critical was going to happen. Well, joke was on us because we didn’t foresee the stupidity of others…

I had to update a few product codes in the website’s web config and deploy those changes. I was only going to be logged in for 30 minutes to complete that.

I get messaged by one of our database admins. He was doing testing and was unable to complete a payment on the website. That was strange. There was a change pushed by our offsite dev agency, but that was all frontend changes (just updating text) and wouldn’t affect payments.

We don’t want to enlist the dev agency for debugging work, especially when it’s not likely that it’s a code issue. But I was on vacation and I couldn’t stay online past the time I had budgeted for. So my employer enlists the dev agency for help. It’s going to be costly because the agency is in Lithuania, it was past their business hours, and it was emergency support.

Dev agency looks at error logs. There are Apple Pay errors, but that doesn’t explain why non Apple Pay transactions aren’t going through. They roll back my deployment and theirs, but no change. They tell my employer to contact our payment processor.

My manager and the Product Manager contact Payroll, who is the stakeholder for our payment gateways. Payroll contacts our payment gateway and finds out a service called Decision Manager was recently configured for our account. Decision Manager was declining all payments. Payroll was not the person who had Decision Manager installed and our account using this service was news to her.

Payroll works with our payment processor to get payments working again. The damage is pretty severe. Online payments were down for at least 12 hours. Our call center had logged reports from customers the night before.

At our post mortem, we had to find out who ok’d Decision Manager without telling anyone. Luckily, it was quick work. The first stakeholder up was for the Fundraising Dept. She said it wasn’t her or anyone on her team. Our VP of Analytics broke it to her that our payment processor gave us the name of the person who ok’d Decision Manager and it was someone on the Fundraising team. Fundraising then starts backtracking and says that oh yes she knew about it but transactions were still working after the Decision Manager had been configured. WTAF.

Everyone is dumbfounded by this. How could you make a big change to our payment processor and not tell anyone? How did our payment processor allow you to make this change when you’re not the account admin (you’re just a user)?

Our company head had to give an awkward speech about communication and how it’s important. The web team can’t figure out issues if you don’t tell us what you did. The company head was pissed because it was a shitty way to start off the new fiscal year. Our bill for the dev agency must have been over $1000 for debugging work that wasn’t helpful.

Amazingly, no one was fired.

Company that has tech != Tech company.

The amount of "Hey fellow programmers" I get from marketers of all people is cringeworthy. No amount of blockchain in your sentences will magically convince me you know anything about it.

Foday my father argued with me that:
* "HTML programmers" get payed a lot
* WordPress is awesome
* wordpress programmers get payed a lot
* WordPress doesn't need to be secure
* FileMaker is 100% virus-free (probably malware free), because not many people use it
* UX and UI design are exactly the same

We have 2 layers of testing environments and production.

I tested the changes on the 1st layer, bud since it was 5min to lunch i did not test on 2nd layer which is connected to the production DB. I pushed to production and caused 5+ websites to go full retard and went to lunch.

Came back to 19emails and 3+ skype msgs about "why the fck would you do that..."

Estimated damages nearly 20k EUR and i lost some permissions for two weeks, but my great boss helped me out and cheered me up by telling stories how he took down multiple servers too

plot twist: im the team leader of our office now :)

Output:
true
false

Why?
This question was asked by my friend, was unanswerable.

At first I thought this was a funny joke. But he was serious.

Code snippet of the day ❤️😍😍

You know it's the holidays when you go to your parents house for dinner and fix the router, your mom's phone, your dad's iPhone, the smart tv, your brothers email account reset, your grandmas prehistoric phone and then you go to your wife's family for dinner and you find yourself fixing her mom's iPhone, her dad's laptop her uncle's tablet, her cousin's ps4 and every freaking thing that connects to the Wi-Fi. Well, it's the holidays, at least there was food and drinks all around...Happy New Year everyone 🍷

Just curious... what was the first programming language you learned?

Mine was Java.

Trying to understand how I coded a hangman game (my first program ever, in C) is actually a puzzle far more complex and interesting than the game itself

Bye bye facebook… 🕺

I didn't even come back home yet and these workoholics already conflicted with my feature branch

Dude, was it windows bad???
No,it was Apple maps bad!!!

Spent an hour trying to figure out what was wrong in my socket disconnect detection code because it was constantly reporting disconnects when it shouldn't have... Only to find it was a pinched cable causing the problem. Meaning it actually did work the entire time.

I Just created My first code in brainfuck.

My First reaction was why was this made, but as I continued it seemed to make some sense, even though All I was using was some random ascii symbols

I think my server got hacked, yesterday I made a new server on scaleway for the sake of testing I made a user called dev, with password dev. Forgot to change password before I went to bed.

Logged in today to find that load is 5x.x and this (image) in my crontab

Note to self: You are a disgrace, who the hell uses 'dev' as password for ssh on port 22 -_-

Was manic, was on prescriptions, never prepared, was late, cussed as hell about modern frontend development, got a CTO job

> One of my guys from work.

> Walks up to my office
> Says "say something cursed about software development or programming that would make people cry"

> Me: "If I could I would program games and neural networks with PHP"

> Him: .......you fucking monster.

> Walks away

For reference: We both like php, but know and understand why that is a baaaaad idea.

So I just discovered that MS Office has a dark theme...

I'll give you three fucking guesses, retard.

So I was coding a project that was left for me because the initial developer was fired (I didn't know why). When I was reading his code:

var saturday_sunday = week.day - 1;

Now I understand why he was fired.

I need an ergonomic keyboard -.-

When you accidentally run " rm -rf * " in the directory containing ALL you projects, not in the directory of a single project.

That's right. You just encountered THE DEATH STAR.

Don't watch video tutorials while lifting weights. I was reading what was being typed, and forgot I was holding 150 pounds over my head.

This tree was the loneliest tree on Earth. The next tree was 400 kilometres away.

In 1973, it was knocked down by a truck driver.

Just rememberes a collegue i had for a short period, i was remote and he was on location randomly added, I was told he was a php developer.
What he did was delete ALL the whitespace in the php code and called it optimising, he told the director it’ll make the code run faster. You can imagine how fun that was...

I was against him and then I was with him.

I was once asked to find a way to find the centre of gravity of a coke bottle. As soon as I started mentioning string, ruler etc., the interviewer told me I have nothing else, only the coke bottle..

://///

Have I ever told you guys of the time that I had made my PM feel bad by saying I had to drop 3 classes because he was working me so hard?

Yeah that happened and he felt really bad about it!

GOOD! FUCKING GOOD! I want you to feel bad about it! Don't you dare say that I'm not putting in enough work ever again!

> Scammer calls me.
> I answer and robot puts me in queue.
> PlEaSe WaIt, yOuR CaLl Is vERy iMpOrtAnt To uS!
> 6 minutes later it literally says “Goodbye!” And Hangs up.
> ???

A teacher just gave us a complete course on JS, which already is my main language, and didn't. Put. A. Single. Semicolon.

Am I the only one to compulsorily put semicolons even of the language doesn't require you to do so? Please?

What was your most ridiculous story related to IT?

Mine was when I was quite small (11yo) and wanted a graphics card (the epoch of ATI Radeon 9800), looked at the invoice to know what kind of ports I had in the pc (did not open it), then proceeded to brat to my dad to get me a new GPU

So we where in Paris, we went to a shop, vendor asked me "PCI or AGP?" and said AGP.

Paris > London > Isle of Skye roadtrip followed, then as my dad brought me back home in Switzerland, we opened my pc...

And we couldn't fit the GPU in the basic old PCI port. My Dad was pissed. He frustratedly tried fitting the GPU in the PCI slot, but nope. (He's a software engineer though)

At least the GPU had 256 mb of ram :D

Gave it to my brother 6 months later at family gathering

To this day, my Dad still thinks I cannot handle hardware, although I have successfully built 10+ pc, and still cringes with a laughing smile when I talk to him about it haha

Ah well.

!rant I just put my phone in my pocket with the devrant app open.

I take my phone out again about 10 minutes later and i'm in the process of making a new devrant account....

So somehow while the phone was in my pocket, it must have clicked the logout button and sign up button and had entered random letters for the email name and password section.

Boy, i'd like to know what my pocket (or Ass) wants to rant about....

I thought my laptop was going crazy, but it was just my CAT laying on my wireless keyboard that was in another room!

Todo cought in prod

Was fixing my project for college the whole night... when I finished it was around 07:30, the sun was rising, a steaming mug of coffee in front of me and I was like “That’s why I love this shit so much”

Oh God, guys.
It was the stuff of nightmares! It's going to keep me up forever tonight

This sucks. I'm on a call in < 1 minute, but my technical team guy c n take 25 minutes to call in to tell us that he'll be ready to help in another hour.

How is this fair to my customers?

Was watching CSI: Cyber and I spotted this, IT WAS AN APP!!!

Me: "Hmm. I should center this image."

img {
align-self: center;
}

CSS: "LOL, no. Intuitively, as a first logical guess at forgotten CSS syntax, that seems like what you ought to type. But this world makes no sense and my creator was a sadist. Here's what you actually need to do."

img {
clear: both;
display: block;
margin-left: auto;
margin-right: auto;
float: none;
}

When you shut a remote box down.

Then your screen disappears....

So, Viber says my friend was last online before she was born.

So, I've been having to deal with server issues and other BS. All of these issues have caused all of my websites to be down. For the longest time, I couldn't get Nginx to find my websites' directories except for the default Nginx website, so I changed the default Nginx website to what you see in the image.

I tried to be funny, did I succeed? Even a little bit?

Harry Potter was very good in Python. He was a parse-tongue.

Very !dev

But Amy Winehouse was fucking crazy

Rappers these days OD on one drug.

Amy overdosed on all the drugs at once and most of the time, it didn't even kill her.

!rant
>dreams something good
>enjoying it
>feeling it
>mom wakes me up
>dream stops
>yells at mom
>gets shouted back
>thinks of dream again
>was soo good
>see tag

Call it mental disorder. Sickness. Masochism or just bein a demented individual...

But I used to work with classic ASP. Yes, my JS ran on servers before it was cool (I am the original tech hipster) and I was writing VBScript with it as well because why the fuck not?

And
I
LIKED IT.

Kinda miss it to be honest. Shit was simple as fuck, the downside of it was the "fuckLibrariesAndDoShitByHand.asp" mentality and consequence of using old tech....but I liked it.

Tutorials for that shit had to teach you damn near everything in one book, not just how to code it, but how to really work with servers on the bare minimum and one would learn sooo much. Now a days most books be like "this is how you do yo auth tokens..because all y'all mofockas should know this shit by now" NO mofocka! Our books was all about "aaaallrighty dipshit, this shit here is auth, and in order to bla bla blah" THOROUGHT AS FUCK B.

So yeah......i had fun, by far not my first choice on new shit, but shit was fun.

What would we do if we didn’t have devRant?

Actually, what was life like before devRant?

Yesterday I learned there was a chat feature in StackOverflow. I learned this because I finally for once in my life have StackOverflow reputation.

Discussing my excitement:
“Guess what topic it was.”
“Was it regex?”
“It WAS regex!”

Was debugging locally why my bot was inserting the same values twice into the database only to then realise my heroku worker was still on..

I received a call from my boss saying I was laid off while I was out.

Wait a minute... I actually just woke up... This was all a dream...

Wonder if it is a message from my subconscious though...

Anyone else dream they get fired?

So if bitcoin was created in January 2009

And git was created in 2005

Does that mean that git was using blockchain technology before blockchain was cool?

Forget missing semicolons; accidental dots are IN. Was wondering how the hell the method that was working EVERYWHERE ELSE was throwing here. Oh well, now I know

YES I DID IT HOLY SHIT

--Typical Wednesday Afternoon--
Me: "Have you finished the homework?"
Her: "Nah, I'm close! I'll be done before the test on Friday."
Teacher: "Here's three more assignments I need done before your test to prove understanding."
Her:

Went to a web meetup at zurich and everyone was using macboocs.

Welp, I'm having a great start with Android Studio...

Why is the web developer always broke?
He was told to empty his cash.

!rant
Update & Thoughts of AngelHack10 Abu Dhabi.
The judges were so non technical they were impressed by an app demo (not ours) that could recognize objects printed in black and white on an A4 paper. The app claimed to read the 3d shape of a device and calculate the running cost based on its power consumption.
I think hackathons must have two pitches one technical and one business. Else every one with hardcoded demos can fool the judges easily.

using arch pacman for the first time like

Take a shit on someone’s pizza and then closed the lid over and left it on their desk.

I was working on a bug in a legacy application and I was the first person to open the project in 10 years.. Found all the variables named with swears.. It was hilariously difficult to figure out what was happening lmao..

Is that smartwatch craze really over?about a year ago everybody was telling me to write apps for smart watches.now nobody even talks of it

Was hired as a mobile dev / mobile web dev, was told my main project would be integrating a tool with phonegap.

... 13 months later I was never asked to download phonegap and was now writing server side java. Surprisingly I left that job

I saw a rant about some department still using win98, and it reminded me, when I was in school the school library used MS-fucking-DOS, windows 10 was already out by that time...
The librarian lady was really surprised I even knew what it was, which meant she knew it was fucking ancient

A cannon was fired before it was even loaded.

#js

The clients website was so slow,

How slow was it?!

This site was so slow the goodle speed test timed out.

8years ago - me. "oh let's learn ruby it might be fun?"
"oh nvm let's get into php."

talk about bad decisions?

My work computer is currently so slow, I actually have a legitimate reason for browsing devRant.

Is that good or bad?

TIL one does not just pacman -Rc openssl.

Most fun way to fuck up arch linux since rm -rf /. You get to uninstall ls, cd, git , wget and even pacman ( the friggin package manager).

I'm not even mad. Amazing

After two days if uni related c++ programming, all I can say is one thing:

FUCK YOU C++

About a year ago a co-scout gave me: an FM radio, a CD cover, tape and some other random bits, and proceded to say.

c-s: Build a metaldetector from this, I don't know how.

me: wat?

c-s: You know computers, right?

me: Yes, but that is not "computers".

c-s: How hard can it be? We need a guide on how to do it in a couple of hours. Good luck.

Anyone going to the TNW conference? The super early bird tickets are quite inexpensive.

Ok here goes me trying to explain some logic here, I apologise in advance!

I've been using an axis based movement system for my games for a while now but always had the issue of characters moving faster diagonally because the movement shape would form a square; meaning things would move at twice the speed.

Only now thought 'hang on, direction's act as circles when given a radius..'

Suddenly everything works perfectly fine and all it took was 3 lines of code... Well done Alex you tool.

First off murphy is a bitch. Week started off good, nothing bad happening then friday night came and i get an email about a site being down. Ok check it out real quick, cert is expired. No real big deal just a 20 minute fix, didn't bother me that i didn't get an expiry alert. Now is where murphy decided to be the biggest fucking bucktoothed cocksucker, generate a csr for a wildcard domain using an existing key and sent it off when i get it back the private key doesn't match the cert. Again ok maybe i fucked up, generate a selfsigned cert no fucking problem. Contact support to see if they have an idea. Oh now is when it gets fun, the fucking dumbass preceded to tell me how i didn't know what i was doing and how i just had to generate a csr and private key at the same time after i explained to the bastard that I've already tested it with a selfsigned cert. (How does this fucker have a job) By now apparently i was pissed off enough to scare murphy's pansy ass away cause i told the fucker to refund my money, got a list of 30 subdomains and setup letsencrypt on it. Now the part on this that is fucking hilarious is that it took me damn near 24 hours to be called a fucking idiot from a guy that doesn't know his ass between a hole in the fucking ground and 30 minutes of being pissed off more than i have been since i took anger management classes in the 9th grade to say fuck it and switch.

I joined the dark side today. Not too bad...

4 months into my new work and I’ve finally fucked up smth other than git repo!

Feeling ecstatic =p

A question here reminded me of how websites were made long ago. Frames! Remember those little jewels? <frameset> and <iframe>, I still remember them. Man, even then it felt terribly wrong to use them. I remember using them to create web pages with header and side bar.

The only alternative was using <tables>, which, well, we know how they ended up. Frames today have been silently forgotten, but tables have been loudly hated for many years!

Ahhh, those were the times. So much has happened since then.

(Is "website" still a word today, btw?)

I was pressing 'j' in vim and it was typing 'j' onto the screen and i was like what the fuck, why is typing j inserting a j into my file. Realised i was accidentally in insert mode.

# Just vim things.

Can't wait to see what breaking changes version 2021 will bring!

Found this on Instagram and I can't answer it by myself lol. 🤔

Oh my god. I woke up and read stan lee was rushed to the hospital. I was actually feeling horribly sad and then I read that he was in stable condition and was like heck yeah!!! No one taking him yet.

I was on the train and a woman came aboard. The only available seat was next to me. She takes this huge laptop out of her bag. While I observed this, I thought: she's going to code. She logged in and.. GitLab! She was writing R code.

On other GDPR news: ICANN has now made an exception to european TLDs (not .com, .net, etc.) so that they don't have to provide the WHOIS information at all, so there is no need to even "protect" it.

What browsers do front end devs here normally test on? I test on Firefox and Chrome because...that's all I use, but what about Edge/Safari or god forbid IE11?

I'm more familiar with backend dev ops so my testing consisted of checking Firefox a lot. :P

Yesterday was the first time I worked at the office during weekend.. Was really silent which was nice!

This message was deleted.

Was looking for an app to see if there was one for free code camp to start learning python. Auto correct suggestion wasn't bad at all 😂
Found sololearn and happy with that for now

Was coding all night & fell asleep at 3:30 AM. I was late for school so my mom was pissed at me. ☹️

!rant
Was not aware that Sir Brian Goetz was on Stackoverflow!!

you know what was fun?
Back in 2012, I started developing an app for the windowsphone (7 back then) which was basically an offline backup navigation for pilots with a few extras likr weather data for pre flight planning.

It was so cool doing all this back then, because there weren't many wp devs out there.

Microsoft even sent me 6 different phones (straight from Redmond) to play with (and keep them).

Those were the days 😀😀

I overhauled an entire program, and everyone is really happy with the results. But the best part, I predicted that it would take 2 months to complete, and then I completed it in two months.

The overhaul was a beast, mind you; swimming through backend spaghetti code and having to redo the entire front end was tiresome, but I'm happy with the results.

More importantly, i'm really happy that people are no longer complaining about crashes. Our original program suffered from some really horrible crashes; some crashes that couldn't even be explained by stackoverflow. Whatever I did during the overhaul corrected for these weird errors.

Time to celebrate. Before more minor bugs are found by users. (i.e. Universe always makes a better idiot)

♪
Linus said that it was open.
Linus said that it was GPL.
All could use it for whatever they like
And it was okay
♪

45 minutes, today I was told there was a bug and it needed to be fixed before an email was being sent out.

Just bought a knockoff controller for my gaming PC, plugged it in and I was playing Rocket League in 10 seconds. No driver install, no key mapping.

This is how everything should be.

when you're in an online job interview and after it your laptop only has 3% of juice left :)

So it became a habit that I visit the cemetery on the way to work everyday because there's a pokéstop there.

My old comments are a mood

So just read up that some companies based in china were able to attack Google back in 2009, all cause IE had a dangling pointer issue.

*Sarcastic claps*

Ok I need a second post for this week. A tech lead decided to have a one on one meeting with me in public on the clients' floor where he decided to get angry at me (in public mind you) about using too many design patterns and inheritance because that "makes the code too hard to read. Instead use a lot of if-else's like I do." So not just is he an idiot, he did this in public on a floor with people who didn't know programming so now I look awful. I was furious.

After building some automated regression tests to verify parts of the company website were working, it was discovered that a test case was missing.
Instead of a constructive meeting about fixing the issue and adding a test, I was reamed and my manager was reamed that we "missed this case".
Nevermind that the automation caught several issues before release in nearly every other aspect of coverage.
Nevermind that the missing test case was a useless feature added after the automation was completed.
Nevermind that automation was meant to be the last stop in the gate, not the first...

I was so livid after that meeting I nearly resigned on the spot. My manager was so livid over being told to write me up he was ready to resign.

When your commit gets reverted without you knowing why :/

TIL what Document OBJECT Model actually means. The whole phuqing thing is an OBJECT!

Few years ago when I was new to command line....

I was in love with it....

I decided to format my pd via cmd...

It was a very simple task though i was soo happy and I did it....

Closed cmd....

Went to thispc...

And my pd was full as it was before....

I was like lets do it again.....

I opened cmd....

Got the list of volumes​ n was stunned.....

Until now i had no idea that i had formatted some​ other volume....

I opened thispc and saw a 700gb volume which was red earlier turned white.....

OMFG....

I cant explain what happened further....

WHY WINDOWS 10, WHY

Ex boss bought Embarcadero Delphi, Tokyo release and showed me how the environment looks like.

Its beautiful.

Say whatever you want. The dude would shred out large af projects and soultions from delphi faster than anything else I would have seen in other places.

The bad thing about it is that be was the only one that could do it because he was the only one that knew how to use it...the docs for it suck(imho) although reading code for Delphi was easy, tedious since it was literally a top bottom like a book sort of deal, but easy.

Kinda miss it to be honest. It was an interesting experience and people do look for delphi developers and pay them a lot, wonder if I would get another chance at it one day. We were designing some rather large systems with it and it was not web oriented(for web he used ASP :P my boi was unique eh?)

Oh well, well see

The moment I knew that I was meant to be a dev was when I was 14 years old and it was computer class during high school. Basic HTML was the lesson and I was hooked by it. My favorite tags were the blink and marquee tags. I was fascinated by it! But learn to love web development when I knew what backend developing was about ;)

Finding old code is always !nice

devRant is tha best!

It doesn't look open to me...

Today I had a weird dream. The mars was collapsing to earth. Weird part was when everybody panicking and screaming I was watching it getting bigger and bigger every second. I was like "woah, this is amazing". I knew there was no point being scared because everyone will die anyway. I embraced death and enjoyed my last moments. That was realy weird experience.

So the other day I was talking to my gf about how it was crowdy in the metro area and how big the queue was for ticket, she said 'You should never say it was a big queue but it was a long queue' and I said 'It wasn't a big queue but it was a double queue' and I started laughing.
My gf being from a non technical background didn't understand why I was laughing so much.

If a bug is logged don't mark it as resolved unless you commit that resolution.

Also don't mark it resolved without at least a one-liner of the fix/expected behavior.

Saw this meme in an article the other day about why it's a bad idea to make your guru-grade devs quit.

It suddenly dawned on my that the meme pretty much summed up all the decent Devs i've worked with over the years - they generally turn coffee and beer into code.

There was that „very heavy knowledge“ (that was his self proclamation) visual basic coder (vb6 that was) who always started with „on error resume next“... it was the only glue to let his programm „work“...

What was your first rant? Mine was...

I had a training about secure software engineering recently. Today was the corresponding exam.

One of the questions was a list of 4 hackers and you should pick the one who was in jail.

That question was so unreal... I was speechless.