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An entirely typical exchange at work:
PM: How long would it take to build an application that collates Gubblefluffs and exports them as a PDF?
ME: Hard to say. What’s a Gubblefluff?
PM: Nothing complex. Its basically an object with some stuff in.
ME: Erm, okay. So I’ll define a Gubblefluff object plus methods to add edit and delete, then for each Gubblefluff have it write a line to a PDF.
PM: It will need to email that PDF to somebody.
ME: Okay, cool. “Gubblefluffs-by-email” should take about a day.
6 hours later…
ME: I’ve done Gubblefluffs-to-pdf, I’m not clear on what’s in a Gubblefluff but I’ve made it flexible so it can take almost anything.
PM: No, a Gubblefluff can ONLY be one of 4 Snigglefingers plus a timestamp and some JSON.
ME: What? Right. Okay. What’s a Snigglefinger?
PM: (sighs) A Snigglefinger is the collection of relevant Babelsets.
ME: Babelsets?
PM: Yeah, a user can have any number of Babelsets but they must correspond to one of the four types of Snigglefingers.
ME: There are users!?
PM: Of course!
ME: But I’ve not coded anything for users.
PM: Shit. I’ve told the client they can have it today. How long to add in users?
ME: And Babelsets, and Snigglefingers and the new Gubblefluff rules?
PM: Yeah.
6 days later…
ME: This is done now. It’s a beast but it works. Who should it email the PDFs to?
PM: Client X, plus cc to Y and bcc to Z.
ME: What? It doesn't support CC and BCC!
1 hour later…
ME: This is done. I’ve tested it and sent you a copy of the PDF it generates.
PM: Okay thanks. Is the cron running daily?
ME: What cron?
…
ME: Okay, so the cron’s running once a day at 8pm.
PM: Oh, it’ll need to be at 3:15pm. That’s when we’ve told the client they’ll get it.
ME: Right. I’ll change it...
PM: Also, the PDF you sent me looks nothing like the visual.
ME: What visual?
...53 -
So this fucking happened today.
Me: *sees support ticket coming in about some kind of login issue*
Me: *opens issue*
"Hello, I can't seem to login. There's an error"
Me: *sighs and thinks "at least give me that FUCKING error message then." *kindly replies with asking if they could send me the error message*
"Here it is. I don't understand what is going wrong
and what I have to do"
Me: *looks at error message*
"Invalid customer ID. Please make sure that your ID is correct. You can find it in the activation email we sent you when you registered".
😐 😶 😦
Me: *thinking okay what the fuck, are you fucking retarded or something?*
Me: *kindly replies: "It seems that you are not using the correct customer ID. You might want to look for it in the activation email we sent you!"*
"Oh okay thanks, how did you figure that out?"
Me: 😵 😐 😶 😭 🔫
Seriously what the actual fucking fuck.27 -
1. I join a company.
2. I get deeply involved in "how to run the company", and get nice compliments from both coworkers & management about my skills in conveying startup/scaleup advice & necessities to upper management.
3. With my ego inflated through all the sweet talk, I think "ah, what the hell, let's do this again", and I accept a Lead/CTO promotion. I have to join board meetings, write reports on quarterly plans and progress.
4. I get unhappy/stressed/burned-out because I really just want to be a developer, not a manager/executive.
5. Upper management understands, I give up my lead position, lock myself back into my coding cave.
6. I get annoyed because the requirements I receive become more and more disconnected from reality, half of the teams seem to have decided to stop using agile/scrum, the testing pipeline breaks all the time, I get an updated labor contract from HR by mail which smells like charred flesh, etc
7. The annoyances become too much to do ANY work. I yell at the other devs outside of the entrance of my cave. There is no answer, only a few painful moans and sighs.
8. I emerge from my cave. The city has turned into a desolate wasteland. The office is a burning ruin, the air sharp and heavy with black soot. Disemboweled corpses of developers litter the poisoned soil.
Product Managers dressed in stained ripped suits scream at each other while they try to reinforce concrete barricades with scotch tape and post-its. *THUMP* Something enormous is trying to break through. "Thank God, bittersweet, you're still alive! The stakeholders! They have mutated! We couldn't meet the promised deadlines! We've lost the whole mobile app department, and that kid there is the last of the backenders and he's only an intern! You're here to save us, right? RIGHT?".
In the corner, between the overflowing coffee machine and a withered cactus, a young boy has collapsed onto the floor. His face is covered in moldy coffee grounds, clasping on to his closed macbook for dear life, wide-open eyes staring into the void, mumbling: "didn't backup the database, and It's all gone" over and over.
A severely dented black Tesla with a dragging loose bumper breaks through the dried up vertical herb garden and the smoothiebar, and comes to a halt against the beanbags in a big cloud of styrofoam balls.
The CEO limps out, leaking blood all over the upholstery. He yells to the COO: "The datacenter is completely flooded with sewage! I saved the backup tapes though", holding a large nest of tangled black magnetic tape mixed with clumps of mud above his head.
9. I collect my outstanding salary and sell any rewarded options/shares for a low dumping price, take a 5 month holiday, and ask a recruiter about opportunities in a different city.14 -
:: *joins devRant to rant about everything*
:: *everything I want to complain about is on the front page*
:: *sighs in relief*1 -
How a regular convo with non-devs usually go:
"So what do you do?"
"I'm a software developer."
"Oh, so you're like... a hacker?"
"No, I build apps."
"Nice! So like facebooks and stuff???"
"Not exactly. Different things, mostly tools. It depends."
"Ooh...cool...Like what?"
*proceeds to spend what feels like an hour trying to explain what I do for a living in the simplest terms, while the person just blankly stares and nods, pauses, then finally tells me their crazily infeasible app idea.*
"So whadaya think?"
"Hmm...sounds good 😀👍"9 -
Coworker: I give up! Please help me!
Me: What's up?
C: Take a look at this. I have this function here that gets the tab index and I'm passing it to the Tabs component over there. I'm logging the index and as you can see it's 3, but the Tabs component isn't working. However if I replace the function call with a 3 it works!
Coworker 2: While you were explaining all that, shellbug already thought about at least 3 reasons why that isn't working.
Me: **sighs** Of what type is the value that function is returning?
C: **stares at me for a few seconds** It's a number.
Me: Are you sure?
C: Well, it's returning 3.
Me: Please do a typeof.
It was string.8 -
If you come up with a great idea in a meeting to solve a problem, be prepared to implement it alone.4
-
Why do people talk so much in the real world. I'm okay with yes/no questions. Talking face to face is exhausting for me. Leave me alone. I'm okay with chat too.
Can't tell these to anybody for real tho.
Sighs.7 -
Transport management system support team:
Me: Good day, how may i assist?
Client: Hi, Can you help me setup my printer?
Me:* Sighs deeply with great discretion*
Me: Sorry mam but we don't do that here, we
only deal with issues regarding the TMS.
You would have to contact your IT guy
Client: but you are our IT guys
Me: *Sighs even deeper*
Me: Unfortunately mam we are not your "IT
guys"
Client: Well, This issue needs to be fixed
Me: Yes mam, yes it does *Hangs up phone*4 -
Cs101 - a 3 hour Friday morning lecture. 1st at uni doing computer science. Half asleep. I'm awoken by the professor
"You at the back - what's the answer!"
Alarmed but not too bothered I just say "I don't know"
He replies "yes you do! We just went over it"
I say I really don't know. Someone behind me says "64". So I say "64".
Professor sighs and says "no - 2 to the power 8 is 256!"
He never liked me after that.4 -
*At a dorm gathering*
Me: I think I’m gonna head back to my room, I don’t know what to do here
Friend: Come on, meet people! Socialize!
Me: *sighs* Fine
You know you’re a nerd when...5 -
When you're at the till ordering a plain coffee and the barista SIGHS and ROLLS THEIR EYES at you. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? That's you're damn job, don't fucking do that. That's the only reason you're here!!!8
-
The TA for my computing lab in uni consistently shows up 45 minutes late. I'm usually done in 20 because I use the rest of the time to work on the next lab.
He walks through the door, lets out the biggest sigh, sits down, sighs again, opens up his laptop, and sighs once more. When someone asks for help, he sighs so hard you can see his lungs shrivel up as he exhales, and then provides them with a pointless answer.
The best part about the cs department here is that when you join cs, you are given an account to use with the ubuntu machines in the computer labs. They send you the password over school email, and you can't change it on any system they provide. -
*sighs heavily, utters a few profanities, starts updating resume*
This one is on me. I thought I had vetted this place well and asked the right probing questions during the interview, the core product is very cool but the company is too functionally immature.
it feels like Im in a relationship with someone who is really nice, very attractive and clearly very book-smart but has absolutely zero emotional intelligence and even less of a clue in general about what they actually want and need from the relationship. And to that I say:
“…yeah nah.” -
Me: *pulls down the quick settings drawer and taps Bluetooth*
phone: *forgets everything about having multiple CPU cores and threads - the process responsible for all user input and drawing the ui grinds to a halt*
me: *sighs* oh, fuck, not this shit again *sets phone down*
*several minutes pass*
*watchdog decides that the UI is stuck and kills it, forcing the phone to soft-reboot*
phone: *boots up after a minute of loading*
me: *checks if Bluetooth is on*
*Bluetooth still off*
me: *tries to tap Bluetooth again*
*the procedure repeats*11 -
Dev1 : hey dude, I am not able to get the slider right like the one in the IMG they've created on WordPress, we need to show this to the client today. Can you help?
Dev2 (short for devil) :
*Tries*
*Sighs*
*Opens up expected screen slider IMG*
*Ctrl + Alt + Printscrn*
*opens Paint ---> crop --> save*
*Inside html, <img src="*above url">*
Done buddy, you owe me one. -
step 1) open and browse producthunt for new dev tools to use and try out
.
step 2) opens dev tool/app's website *ooh nice landing page*
.
step 3) tries to find api and documentation, scrolls to bottom of the webpage
.
step 4) "we are still in private beta, sign up to be notified about the final release!"
.
step 5) lol *sighs* bookmarks tab before closing it
.
step 6) repeat step 1
.
.
-
I hate moving
But moving back in with your parents is even worse
Even worse when your parents are hoarders and so you get to move back into a room where you then get to clear out random shit that isn't yours. And try to convince your parents to throw out a dresser that only 3/8 drawers work in it but they want to keep it.
*Sighs*8 -
That moment when you sit to code and start learning a new thing, but the installation and prerequisites take up all of your time. *Sighs*1
-
Windows 10 doesn't to let me use my wifi.
*sighs*
No way to solve it.
Is this a new Windows feature?11 -
*sighs* for the past 3 hours I feel like I've been talking to a 2 year old. I have made a smart mirror and I have made a machine learning assistant to go with it. Only one problem. Someone needs to talk to it to train it. Looks like that's my job. Here is one of the parts of our conversation. ("But" is not and "H" is human)
4 -
That moment when you realise mind reading should be on your job description as PM sighs about new amend, looks towards you like you scoped the project.
-
Kind of dev related, during a Firefly one-shot roleplay:
GM: So you have a data chip in your pocket. Do you want to see what's on it?
Me (hesitant): ...Kinda. *wait* Okay, I put the chip into one of my computers.
GM: The data chip shows random gibberish--it's encrypted. Your engineer may know how to decrypt it.
Me: Okay. Hey, Engineer! *holds imaginary data chip out to her* Decrypt this!
Engineer: No. *pause*, *sighs* Fine. But we need to be careful.
GM: Yes, now time for technobabble...
Me: So once we decrypt this, it's probably going to look for the MAC address, so we need an air-gapped machine--a machine that's never been online before--and a TAILS LiveUSB. We'll decrypt the data chip and then destroy the computer.
GM: ...Technobabble.
Fighter: ....I actually understood that and it actually makes sense. Good job. *fist bump*1 -
dev_storyV1.1 (without merge conflict)
Thief: Quick! Hand me your wallet and backpack
Dev: *hands over the empty wallet, takes laptop from bag, pulls from remote, pushes all the commits to remote, deletes local repo, puts laptop in bag, hands over the bag* Here you go mister *sighs* -
Some time i feel sad and happy at the same time. Sad, because of some users our App is getting less rating on Play Store and happy because at the same time we keep making loads of money from them.
It's scary.1 -
*job opening says front end web developer*
*technical exam contains questions they used for the back end/web developer position instead of making a separate one for front end*2 -
currently setting up a repo for a git release branching demo because despite the fact we have a model in place, it was completely ignored when it came to release time with changes being pushed straight to the main develop branch *sighs*
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Well, not best experience per se, but most memorable one.
So I am accepted to CS program at the university - happy days!
First lecture of the first day of the first semester in the first year...
...It just had to be that guy. He was famous for for his strictness among the faculty as we later found out.
But, the lecture. It's 8.25 am, I am making my way into auditorium, and it's filled with freshmen like me, of course. Instead of cheerful chatter noise I hear literally silence. What the? I catch the glimpse of the blackboard - the professor is there, hard at work writing out some stuff that can't comprehend. Double checked the name of the lecture - computer architecture.
8.30 - so it begins, I remember taking a place along the front rows in order to see more clearly. Professor turns to us and just starts the lecture, saying that he'll introduce himself later at the end and there is no time to waste. OK...
And he just dumps the layout of x86 computer architecture and a mixture of basic ASM jargon on us WITHOUT TURNING TO US FOR LIKE 30 MINS while writing things out on the blackboard.
The he finally turns 180 degrees very quickly, evaluates our expression (I know mine was WTF is this I don't even understand half the words), sighs, turns back and continues with the lecture. -
**sighs** push and deploy release on stagimg server at 1pm. Wait for 3hours for QA to provide feedback. The minute you start packing, 16 but tickets logged back to back with minimal steps to reproduce. FML
-
JUST IN: The unexpected sequel to my previous rant that NOBODY asked for!
I'll give it to you in dialogue form as it's more dramatic and *juicy* that way...
(Context: wizard used the warrior's blood, who descends from an ancient lineage of powerful sorcerors, to cast a high-level spell which allowed the party to teleport to safety when they were trapped and about to die. The warrior is worried about his crazy use of black magic, so she confronts him about it.)
"Alright, old man," she says, her tone serious, yet tinged with concern. "I couldn't help but notice the... let's call it 'unorthodox' spellcasting earlier. What was that about?"
"Well, you wanted me to draw the circle using golden dust and a lamb for the sacrifice?" Uzair raises an eyebrow, his tone riddled with sarcasm. "Because spells of that level of complexity require both things, you know? A circle and an offering." He explains calmly, then shakes his head. "But turns out, the blood of an Ashaffi accounts for both things if you draw the sigils with it. Hey, don't blame me, your own ancestors invented it!"
"Very funny, Uzair." Hashade crosses her arms, her expression unamused. "But seriously, that shit was utterly deranged. I can't have you going all 'Black Scorpion' on our ass, what with the demented use of blood magic, needlessly setting entire buildings ablaze and that mother fucking all-incinerating black hellfire inferno." Her voice is stern, but her eyes show genuine care. "You're... __BREAKING BAD__, old man! You have to chill."
"Oh, so is my wizardry getting on your neves now, is it?" He recoils back slightly in suprise, feeling offended. "We just spanked the Sanie's Guild buttcheeks until they were red and swollen, then proceeded to __FUCK__ them in the ASS with a *DIAMOND* fucking COCK. And you're complaining?"
Hashade's eye's reveal her agitation. "I'm not complaining, I'm concerned! We're not just fighting for ourselves, we're fighting for everyone else too! And if you start playing fast and loose with that kind of power, we're gonna have more than just *one* black smoldering crater to deal with." Her voice is firm, but it's clear she's trying to keep the situation from escalating. "Look, I know you're powerful, but that's not an excuse to go full-on mad scientist on us. We gotta keep our shit tight, yeah?"
"Concerned?!" He tilts his head to the side. "What, you think I'm becoming evil? Come on, spit it out!"
"Evil? No, I don't..." Hashade sighs, running a hand through her silver hair. "Oh no, you know what, yeah. I do. I think you're slowly turning evil." Her expression hardens. "You swapped your book of supplications for a grimoire detailing the most horrible shit in excruciating detail! You shouted out 'G-d is great' while witnessing a disastrous explosion that left everyone else traumatized! You joked around before and after cutting two guards in half, for fuck's sake!" She lowers her head and pinches her nose bridge. "I don't know, I'll admit that, I just don't know what's this shit that's gotten to you. But I don't like it, I really don't. I don't like where this is going, old man!"
"Well," He said, calmly. "you killed El-Fuqer by forcing him to eat his own cock and balls while sowing his ass shut and then took a fat stinking dump on his face." He quietly recalled the, ehem, 'little' incident. "But see, I don't waggle your fucking nutsack about the fucked up shit you've done. And I'm not going to start now."
"THAT'S DIFFERENT! THAT WAS __JUSTICE__!" Her eyes flashed with anger.
"JUSTICE?!! YOU CALL SHITTING ON A CORPSE 'JUSTICE'?!!" He pushed her to the side and stormed out. "I MAY BE AN EVIL WIZARD, BUT I NEVER DEFECATED ON MY ENEMIES, HASHADE. NEVER. FOR FUCKS SAKE!"
"Wait!" Her voice cracked. "You can't just leave like this!"
"I can." He didn't even look back. "And I am."
"I'm not leaving you alone!" She strides closer to him, ignoring the sting of his words. "I can't let you destroy yourself like this!"
(ROGUE BUSTS IN THROUGH THE KITCHEN) "ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, YOU TWO, GET A ROOM ALREADY!"
~ F I N ~ -
Every last 2 hours of the workday my colleague who has plenty of sleep, his headphones on and a very comfortable life, yawns and sighs really loudly and it pisses me off.
It's as if his lack of interest transpires in his breathing.2
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