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My girlfriend saw me coding in XCode.
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Ahmm. Coding.
GF: *saw the colors in every line of code
GF: That's easy. You just need to follow the color pattern. Green, Blue, Red and Yellow.
Me:
Macbook:
XCode:
Charger:
BTW. She's a Preschool Teacher. Hahahaha22 -
Friend: *deletes something from the internet*
"Thank god, now it's gone forever!"
Me: *Laughs in French*
"Hahahaha!"
Friend: "What?"
Me: "No, I'm pretty sure almost everything you put on the internet stays on the internet."
Friend: "ARE YOU STUPID??! The button says fucking DELETE. What else would it to do? Please use your brain for once."
Me: "You realize that text in the button is just a string right?"
Friend: *Looks confused*
"Stop trying to be such a smartass. Why would it be called 'delete' if it doesn't delete? Your logic make no sense whatsoever."
Me: *Makes quick simple app in order to prove my point*
App has 4 buttons:
-Play Music: Shows a picture of a dog
-Stop Music: Starts playing music video of Never gonna give you up
-Close App: Changes the interface to a random color
-Delete App: Pop up that says "The app has been deleted"
Friend: *Installs and tries the app*
"Dude! Did you even test your app before sending me?? Your buttons are broken as hell. None of them works. They all do things they're not supposed to do. How do you even call yourself a programmer? Sorry dude, nothing personal but this app sucks."
Me: *I need a new friend*
*sigh*22 -
Today at work, still laugh thinking back to it!
We were on lunch break but the linux support engineers who are on the phones as well have to pick up calls anyways (very small team).
*engineer walks to the table, sits down: Ahhh rest, finally!*
*tringggggggggg*
*engineer pulls a face like 'oh for fucks sake' and walks back to his desk*
*puts headphones on and clicks the answer button just as it disappears*
"really!?! Alright lets finally eat now"
*sits for literally one second*
*tringgggggggggg*
*Engineer seems quite pissed off now. walks to his desk again, puts on headset, clicks the answer button JUST as the call stops again*
"Mother of god, fucking really?"
*stays as his desk for a minute or so, walks back, stays hovering above his chair for a little and finally sits down again*
"Finall......"
*TRINGGGGGGGGGGGG*
"MOTHERFUCKER. THESE GUYS TIME IT OR SOMETHING!?!?"
*walks back to his desk very frustrated this time*
*puts on headphones very quickly and presses the answer button*
*answer works but the call is literally dropped the second he starts it (it was a real client)*
"OH FOR FUCKS FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING SAKE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK"
*walks back to table again and sits down. Takes sandwich and....*
*TRINGGGGGGGGGG MOTHERFUCKER*
"FUCKING COCKSUKING MOTHERFUCKING PIECES OF WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK EVER"
*gives a deadly look to another engineer: "I am NOT going to take it this time! En-fucking-joy."*
We laughed so hard xD15 -
Me: *Applies for entry level full-stack job*
Recruiter: "Sorry, I can't hire you because you don't have the years of experience we're looking for. We can take you on as an intern! Unpaid of course, while we train you."🙂
Clueless Me: "Sure, why not."
*second day into the internship*
Boss: "I have this really big project, and I want you to be the lead. I'm going to be very vague about what I want, so you'll constantly have to make changes to user stories, wireframes, & database designs until I'm satisfied. Don't ask me any questions for clarity, because I'm busy 🙂"
Silly Me: "okay"
Boss: "Also, can you train all the other interns? You're so lucky! You'll get to pick the best to join your team" 🙂
Stupid Me: "okay"
Boss: *emails me a spreadsheet of 80 Front-End interns (freshmen and sophomores)*
"Did you start building the app yet?" 🙂
Me (Dummy): "You haven't approved the final wireframes ye-"
Boss: "And for the other interns' training, what did you have in mind?" 🙂
Me (Dumbass): "I made a training guide, they're already followi-"
Boss: "My project manager for this other project left, guess he couldn't handle the pressure of a real job... HAHAHAHA! You're gonna take the lead of that project, too!"
*Adds me to the slack group* 😁
Me (Imbecile): "Wha-"
Boss: "And we've been having trouble with keeping track of everyone's code. Is there something we can do instead of slacking code snippets back and forth?" 🤔😮
Me (Fucking Imbecile): "Wait, you guys are working on a project and you don't have any form of version control? Maybe we should take a few steps back and plan thi-"
Boss: "Are you gonna take initiative or not!?" 😡
Me (Enlightened): "I quit." 😑
Former Boss: "Too bad... I was going to offer you a paid role tomorrow morning. Oh well!" 😔38 -
TL;DR: I “hacked” my thermostat.
I’m stuck with an annoying roommate in college dorms who apparently always keeps the FUCKING thermostat at 80F. LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM. Every time I change it to like 73F, he changes it back to 80F Heat.
Getting tired of his shit for over a semester, I decided to do something about it. I looked up the thermostat made by HoneyWell and downloaded the product manual of it. Turns out, they have a system override ability to remove the heating mode and change the maximum and minimum values of temperature.
BOOM! I removed the heating mode and changed the minimum value to 70 and max to 74.
It’s 2AM here and I can finally go to sleep without sweating my balls off. I’ll keep you guys updated on his reaction hahahaha.27 -
I sang in front of the clients to demo an app for 30 seconds. It's a dating app that allow users to sing and record a song and send it to other person. It's a famous way of courting here in the Philippines.
That was my ridicolous and embarrassing meeting ever. Hahahaha46 -
"You need a website, why not do it yourself?"
NO FUCK YOU WIX. I HAVE DONE IT MYSELF AND I BET YOU USE WEEBLYS WEBSITE BUILDER FOR YOUR OWN FUCKING HOME PAGE. YOU KNOW WHAT, I WILL DO IT MYSELF.
*opens code.org*4 -
!rant
*in slack*
Me: Team's gonna watch IT. Wanna come?
Friend from other team: Yeah, sure!
*in cinema*
Friend: WTF! Why is this I.T? This is scary as fuck!
Me: I-T? It's "it". HAHAHAHA It's a remake of the It 1990 movie.
Friend: I don't know anything about that. I'm scared as hell! I thought this would be some tech stuff and crying in the server room or something!7 -
Oh my God! This is so amazing!
So I have to register in the website to view article in one single page. Otherwise the article is divided into multiple pages and I have click "next" couple of times to read the full article.
HAHAHAHA! Welcome to 2017.9 -
Team Lead: don't ask me to help with your problem, open a ticket
*opens ticket*
*ticket gets routed to team lead*
Hahahaha :D3 -
Fuck my life...
Okay, so I’m working on a web app with a small group... the app is basically a lead generator for new business in another country. We just need contact details cause they’re a fucker to buy.
Step 1: prototype to the investors, working with the ceo to make this thing look shiny AF.
Goes well as fuck.
CEO: “when can we get this out?”
Me: “it’s basically done mate, get your guys to look at it and we can talk about marketing”
Que a shower of 10 or so bellends with senior in their title going into a room and coming out with:
Bellends: “so on this page we want the user to confirm and accept the contract”
Me: “cool, makes some sense, that’s what it’s already doing.”
Bellends: “afterwards we want to show them the price and have them put in their banking details.”
Me: “Wait, you what when?”
Bellends: “Yeah, well Jenny says we should have as few clicks as possible to get to the final stage and have the customer accept.”
Me: “Jenny’s on fucking crack, moving the contract formation phase to after the contract acceptance stage is not an option”
Bellends: “Oh it’s okay, Andy in legal said that would be okay”
Me: “Andy’s a fucking moron, tell him that online contract formation laws were updated 2014/2015 and you can’t do that anymore”
Bellends: “No, andy’s legal, surely he knows”
Bellends: “We want all of this above the fold”
Me: “OH FUCKING SUCK A DICK YOU ABSOLUTE BAND OF FUCKWADS... which one of you, which one hasn’t looked at a website this millennia!?”
Needless to say I ignored all their shit, got the lead generator out and told the CEO those ten people are certifiably fucking useless.
Bonus round; recent, but “it has to be on internal infrastructure”
“Why? It’s a mobile app sending rest calls to a third party saas.”
“It just has to, we have this thing called the private cloud and w”
“Wait... you what son, priv 🤦🏼♂️ private what mate?”
“Private cloud”
“You... you mean a server rack?”
“Nah we spent £2mn on it, it’s brilliant”
“Hahahaha you fucking dick, you blew £2mn on server infra with fuckall to put on it!?”
“No, no it’s the private cloud”
“Fucking idiot, aye son, where’s the fucking bean stalk you prick!?”
“It has to go on internal infr”
“Shut up, that won’t work”9 -
Hahahaha, great start of Monday, discovering angry passive/aggresive comments from previous devs.. xD
// what is this? ever heard of CSS?
// css is for pussies, real men hardcode
// jQuery mixed with Ext. Awesome
7 -
Comment on a GitHub issue on one of my repos:
"Almond I posted this feature request last month, please start to work on it in your free time"
Dude, that's just made it a whole lot less likely I'll even give that feature request the time of day. Take your entitled arse attitude to the bank and pay me to do it if you care that much.
Also, free time?!?! Hahahaha.5 -
if people are curious of the PTSD baggage i'm carrying and why i rage so much at everything, see attached picture
granted, this was partly my fault, as i said, i was far too nice, and stayed for far too long
also note this job was AFTER a 2+ previous e-commerce job with ultimately failed project and little pay
UG i mean LOOK at this... i could go on and on for hours "push notifications must run" - yeah a casual bullet point that needs to be finished by end of day? hahahaha
20 -
Me and my classmate working on the same problem but on different machines.
Him: Hey, how to create a file by terminal?
Me: touch space filename.
Him: Hey, how to open file?
Me: vi space filename
Him: How to do this? How to do that?
Me: Do this. Do that.
After sometime,
Him: Hahahaha... I solved the problem faster than you... You are so slow. I am better.
Me: 😒👺👿2 -
Hahahaha, good one.
About 20 side projects by now and quite some projects requiring more frontend skills than I have!2 -
So yesterday I went to the postal service to claim my package(stress ball). While I'm waiting for the package the employee there asked me:
EMPLOYEE: There's so many stress balls here why buy one overseas.
ME: It's a dev swag I got free.
E: Oh I see. *looked at me suspiciously*
a moment later...
E: Hey, why stress ball? Did someone on your family got stroke?
M: No, it's for me. *smiled*
The after I got the package, the man looks like he wants me to open the package in front of him. Which I didn't do because I'm late for my work.
Maybe it's a first time here that someone sent a stress ball from US. Goodness. Hahahaha
ps. the man looks at me like I did something illegal which is a bit awkward. Hahahaha7 -
!rant
Hahahaha just typed "teste" (Portuguese for test) in duck duck go and it showed me a picture of testicles ( I guess...) With huge "Testicle" written above it in the middle of the office hahahaha
Hope no one saw that, it was funny.1 -
Incident of my colleague, who is really hard-working but ain't so smart strategically.
So this morning the entire team connected to discuss the status or criticalll points.
When my colleagues turn came, she delivered a monologue for 15 minutes straight and was still going strong.
(Fucking hell, I couldn't stop laughing while typing this).
My TPM had to interrupt her, and the way he did is even funnier, to discuss few points.
I was the only one on video and I just couldn't resist laughing at the entire situation.
How the fuck can someone talk non-stop for 15 minutes without being breathless and still can go for another round.
Hahahaha it was hilarious.3 -
And then the PEN-Tester said... "MySQL configured to allow connections from 127.0.0.1. Recommend configuration change to not allow remote connections." hahahaha!
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So I had this classmate of mine and we agreed to be partners in a project.
She told me she'll take care of the project and let me just do my other stuffs.
We had the highest grade for the project presentation and she boasted how she made that project of ours to the class.
Some students from other class wants to have a copy of our project as their reference (since our class is the first to present) but my partner declined to give them some. She said it was her who made the project from the scratch.
I had my friends from other class and I decided to help them. We had our overnight the next day searching for at least the concept of our project and guess what?
I stumbled upon a certain site and found the source code of our project. Her code and the code from the site are almost the same!
Think she just changed the variable name HAHAHAHA2 -
I UNDERSTAND POINTERS (kind of) HAHAHAHA NOW I JUST NEED TO KNOW HOW TO USE THEM AND I WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE15
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I'm so evil.... Hahahaha I just created this URL https://bit.ly/3yRwtOw just to prank my friend who said that QR won't give you virus. Well... Heres a while loop programme.
Which will endlessly open a new tab in the browser.8 -
I remembered one time my freakin prof in programming taugh us how to understand computer language, that time my worst enemy is ASSEMBLY, for some reasons my teacher doesn't know how to code in assembly like wtf?
On our last grading period he asked us to create a program using mov and shift and the deadline is set tomorrow after he announced it.
I remember my code in that freaking subject
MOV COURSE
SHIFT SCHOOL
HAHAHAHA after that I was scolded big time 😂 -
Hahahaha fuck me, doing a backup for a friend into an old USB stick, windows is saying it will take 7 hours for 2GB 🤣🤣🤣7
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So I was on a meeting with this (https://devrant.com/rants/1189203/...) guy's PM and he marked him on a front-end card on trello and I was like "HAHAHAHA BURN MOTHERFUCKER" on the inside.
It was beautiful :)2 -
So my coworker was trying to `npm install` after I recently installed Ubuntu on her machine and for some reason , I was doing something else, some jdk not being installed error popped on her screen.
She proceeded to have a mini freak out telling me that npm wasn't working because java wasn't installed and I started hysterically laughing in the middle of the office with my boss next to her staring at me... So I said firmly ( while laughing ):
"no bahuhaahah that's not hahahaha the case."
Still can't understand wtf she thinks happens with stuff in a computer... Cmon... -
You can't make this stuff up:
Due to a bug in THEIR coding test software, I got forwarded on to create my profile and appy to companies, when I wasn't supposed to...
how much of a clown must that guy have felt like saying I can reapply again and try the code test again later - because of THEIR shitty site? i mean i'm had it about up to here by now
hahahaha won't have to worry about that because I won't be working with these clowns anymore -
Yey I got a raise. From 55,000 to 56,500 annually. Go Junior me! Hahahaha. Not enough for California though but I’m grateful.10
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So me and my team created an android application for "pet lost and found " . So one of my friend decided to troll us..
Bro you better don't do this is the production man... Hahahaha
2 -
! RANT
Yesterday I went to pool campus recruitment drive and there were 3 rounds
1. Written aptitude test
2. Group Discussion
3. F2F interview
Cleared first round and got selected for second round out of like 80 students. (15-18 got selected)
Went to group discussion first topic was "Donald Trump Administration is threat to IT for Indian or not" and the all were saying he stopped giving visa to Indians, there is no opportunity for us there because of him and I was like wtf... And they think because of Trump, Indian people from Infosys got kicked out hahahaha wtf is this.
Second was how AI and Digitalization can help in growth of nation.
And again those girls hahahah one girl said by using AI we can make new technology and can explore galaxies. What the fathafucking fuck!!
And YES THEY GOT SELECTED.
(Whole HR team was non technical)5 -
bitter reflections from a bitter dev on hacktoberfest this year (in the past 2 hours of trying to find issues my IQ has at least halved):
- DefinitelyTyped - used to be my bread and butter to complete hacktoberfest; now, not sure if actual issue, or person just doesn't know how to use typescript (found a multiple such issues that were actually non-issues, the type they were asking for was right there, no pull request needed)
- avoid "issues" on no code / low code tools, these are toxic issues with titles like "I EXPLAIN BUG HERE", then probably not even a bug / more a feature request or clueless clown
- if your entire contributor team has the same character styled profile pic + background, i can't take you seriously; if your identity is so closely tied with what github team you are on... uh, i mean cmon what is this kindergarten? (also love the fact that an anon managed to get themselves mixed in hahahaha they ruined it perfectly!)
- most 'hacktoberfest' issue finders themselves are broken or don't load anything
- people claim issues and then never return YAWN
- the hacktoberfest discord: the projects channel is mostly people promoting their garbage repo WHICH HAS 0 OPEN ISSUES IN THE FIRST PLACE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and then OTHER people promoting their own portfolio on hacktoberfest???!! 😂😂😂😂 yeah bro i'm gonna help you with your own portfolio site GTFO
from what i've seen, i think i can start working approximately 5 minutes a day and be more successful than these absolute 🎪🤡🤹♂️ devs
sure, there is being a beginner, and there is being a clown salesmen trying to get people to do work for you... i mean wtf is going on
i WANT to help and contribute, but this year its really a struggle to find anything worthwhile to contribute to!
somehow the spark is gone... this might be my last Hacktoberfest... let me just return to my wisky and be in peace
4 -
Was recently in a motorcycle accident and haven't been cleared to go back to work yet so I'm trying to build my first Android app.
I don't know Java, XML, kotlin, Android studio, or what the fuck a Gradle is; but I figured I'd take my app idea and download Android studio then try winging everything from there.
Needless to say, I'm having a damn hard time lol. I have been watching firebase tutorials on YouTube to try and figure out how to add authentication to my app. I kinda got it working in the AVD. But my personal Google account has 2FA enabled so I can't seem to get the app to sign me out, or sign me back in. (I was able to authenticate once successfully.)
I have no idea if having 2FA enabled is even the problem. I tried turning on debugging and can't seem to figure out how to actually get the app to debug or get a debug console open.
I seriously feel like the world's biggest n00b right now. Going to go YouTube/Google how to get the debugging working. Then I'm off for a round of learning how to read a debug report!
Hahahaha... Kill me now -_-'
2 -
I got an email from an owner that was a bit strange. It was a forward of an email he sent to someone else. At the top of the body he had written:
****BLIND COPY****
hahahaha
I shared with him the proper way to handle such a task :)1 -
I don't know maybe it's me. I'm sure that at booking.com they have hundred of GUI/UX/UI experts, product owners, A/B testing and whatever.
So, please, can you explain to me in a professional and scientific why, why the fuck, when I search for an hotel in a place for a date, by default, they show me UNAVAILABLE properties?
Like, "hey sorry, there was this great hotel, right in the center and very cheap, but you missed it!! hahahaha, you poor moron"
And every time I have to ACTIVATE the fucking filter myself "only show available properties".
Excuse me? Who want to see in first position the hotels that are NOT available?
Are there some users out there who wants that? If I were hired at booking.com as Product Owner or UX/UI expert, I think the first thing I'll propose is to quit the fucking filter whatsoever or at least to enable it by design.
So why is that? you want to show off? slap me in the face, with your hard cock-list of hotels you have anyway, but not for me?4 -
So there is this big shot at work who makes out to the management that he knows it all. I'm pretty quiet normally and dont let on. The manager kiss his ass daily. He was an apprentice 6 months ago. So we all in some shitty meeting today about some based web service that uses a Linux host. Then in the meeting he asked me if Linux was free? Hahahaha haha. What a fucking idiot! I mean I get that people don't know everything but that
S a whole new level of stupid! 😅🤣😅🤣 -
Diving balls deep into Reactive Native + Electron after close to a year hammering away like clockwork with Python(everything), Flutter/Dart, EJS/JS/jQuery/Node makes me feel like my manhood has left hahahaha
-
!rant
Apparently Tesla just sued the German Republic for retracting the bonus they payed some Tesla customers for buying an electric car, because the Model S was "too luxurious".
I can't even.... hahahaha1 -
When you take the 5hrs task and they forgot to add subtask and more subtask will come and it took weeks until now
MORE WILL hahahaha -
Not only is it a link to bootstrap grid for something that will never work... but it's a link to W3schools - that teaches you bootstrap! HAHAHAHA what a good one! https://w3schools.com/bootstrap/...8
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For our internship requirement. We developed a web-app with inline Javascript and CSS. I know, it was only a matter of time for our senior dev to kill us. HAHAHAHA2
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yesterday was my defense, and i only wrote 1 limitation of my proposed project. what happen? A crispy pizza HAHAHAHA1
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