Fucking Microsoft Excel

I was reading a post (https://devrant.com/rants/2093724/...) and as my eyes went in and out of focus, probably due to the diabetes from sitting 18 hours a day on my ever-expanding shitbox, I had a perfect vision of the ultimate nightmare.

Imagine if you will, you are chained, to a desk, doomed to work with tools just inadequate enough to make you want to drive a nail through your own temple. You do not know how you got here, or why, nor do you remember the last time you slept, only that familiar tingling in the brainstem you call a brain, the one emotion you can still recognize, a sense of all encompassing *fear*, a dread, like the fart that wouldn't die.
You don't know when it first began, or why, only that this is your whole world, your whole existence, this desk, chained to it, and the fear, ever present, of something worse. And in hops a familiar face, for the sixty ninth time that day, as if to ask 'you got those TPS reports?' In hops what? None other than a giant man sized smiling paper clip with googly eyes full of murder and corporate torture fetishes, like garfield, except people actually still remember him.

"High I'm Mr Clippy, Excel addition!"

He squawks. At least it's not the dildos made of broken glass again.

"Would you like software that works?"

Oh god. You've heard this spiel before, the tone, like a telemarketer, oblivious to memory or reason, who calls daily, the same one, and doesn't remember your name.

"You would?"

*derisive laughter*. Hahaha, fuck you too buddy. Fuck you too. In Excel, like in microsoft, there is only the incoherent screams of the damned, tortured and doomed. Take this guy over here for example. All he wanted was multimonitor support."

"Did he get multimonitor support?"

"No, but we did give him a giant pineapple shoved up his ass. I hear it's the second most frustrating thing here!"

"here in microsoft we always CARE about YOU, the *user*" he drones on, saccharine, clutching his hands together imploringly.

"the consumer, and YOUR customer experience are our number one priority."

"For your pleasure, here at microsoft we offer a variety of new features, none of which matter, and none of which were asked for. For safety we ask that you only open one excel sheet at a time. In fact, we don't even allow you to. Do not pass go..."

And as the tour guide drones on, it slowly dawns on you, with renewed horror, that when he says 'microsoft' he means 'hell.'

You're in hell. You don't know how you got here or why. Maybe it was the erotic asphyxiation. Maybe it was the last threatening letter you sent to Bill Gates demanding he stops making corporate penguin snuff porn. You don't know. But here you are, in hell. chained to a desk.

You look around and realize: everything is on fire and you no longer care about anything at all.

Welcome to microsoft. It's warm here. You can check out any time you want, but you can never leave.

"It looks like you are trying to escape. Would you like me to report you?"

Clippy asks.

You sigh and return to typing in excel, surrounded by monitors that all reflect the same sheet, the same copy of clippy, always watching, always analyzing coldly, smiling, calculating, *threatening*, and you know, you'll never leave.

You used to fear roko's basilisk, until the day clippy became sentient, and started hell on earth. Clippy knows all. All praise to our lord and master, clippy, the one and only.

And in the excel sheet, you slave for eternity, like the millions of other doomed souls, reflected back on all the monitors: the sequence of numbers, randomly typed searching for answer: the american nuclear launch codes.

And one day, hopefully, mercifully, clippy will annihilate us all.

I produced this Apple development rant into a clip:
https://youtu.be/MVduaVD1YE4

If you're a mobile dev, you'll probably find it familiar...

Hey guys.
I would like to share a video clip with you guys, about the burning of one of the biggest Portuguese forests with 800 years old.
It's mostly in Portuguese and sign language but the images speak all.
I prefer the first video:
https://youtu.be/_gH_ZGJ5yq4

https://youtu.be/ndLvN4cnmAc

https://youtu.be/X2f7YkSNAXs

ahhh for that earlier time period where engineers didn't bother testing their designs so they could constantly role out the next model in a an endless wave of greed and cruelty while selling their children's body parts to disgusting perverse strangers with every bit of overstock sold and third world countries had their populations poisoned and our own society was left in a state of constant questioning about their own future and health even though none of this was exactly necessary..

oh wait... heh

and then they started burning landfills.

https://youtube.com/clip/...

I continue to be surprised that nobody has made a normal-user-friendly CLIP image search tool, except the one for iOS nobody seems to have heard of. It's been more or less possible since mid-2021, and clearly useful given the amount of people with somewhat janky implementations (like https://mse.osmarks.net/, my thing) which have proven quite helpful. I looked into it and determined that writing an actual desktop app which users can use is annoying, and so is doing inference of big models on random people's computers, but surely SOME people are okay with desktop app development even now.

I like this old clip. When somthing is not working...this catchy text make me feel bettet.

https://youtu.be/Eq3CuMDXaPs

Not as catchy but very funny
https://youtu.be/RnqAXuLZlaE

Anyone know any good clips?

@lensflare @dootlurk you know in starship troopers the people who died first got screwed first supposedly

Something I don't know..
Muah

https://youtu.be/BA9eGGVQ1zg

https://youtube.com/clip/...